Blessing in Disguise

It isn’t about what we want. It isn’t about what the world tells us we should or shouldn’t do…..it isn’t about “do what makes you happy” or “follow your heart” No….No….No….that’s selfish and that is exactly how I lived my life for a very long time.  It’s what  the world tells us to do but to me it’s wrong but I used to believe all that….it was ALL about me and MY happiness.

Now I believe It’s about doing things for others, bringing light to a world that is pretty dark. It’s about smiling, laughing and loving. It’s about being there for people, even when you don’t want to or feel like it wouldn’t matter. It’s about living for someone or something other than yourself….everyday, being intentional and thinking of others. Now I believe it’s living my life for Christ and no one else….regardless of what others might say or do, their opinions of me are pointless.

Philippians 2: 3-4

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

I didn’t do this for a great part of my life……I really didn’t even think of doing this until I realized just what Jesus has done for me.  He keeps reminding me every day, too.  In little things people ask me to do and in my head I’m thinking “I really don’t want to do that but I know I should” so I do it and it brings them joy.  Just that one small gesture, it brings THEM joy, which then in turn gives me the joy – so who am I really doing it for? Them or me?  I don’t mean for this to be facetious I mean it realistically.  I never really think of the other person when I say “yes” to something, I just think it’s probably something I should do and then I do it never thinking I might just get something good out of this as well.

In turning your mind to someone other than yourself, it takes the light off your problems, your depression, your issues and to give or help someone else – FEELS AMAZING! I know we walk a fine line with this because I know God wants us healthy and we can actually give too much of ourselves but gosh, I've got some making up of time to do here after all these years of focusing on myself and my own issues, I’m done. I want to be happy and this is one of those ways to help me be a blessing to someone else!

Acts 20:35 ESV

In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive’

I’ve heard my friend Amy talk about her Doula friend Patti. She’s always said such wonderful things about this woman I started following her on social media. Her heart is in the right place, it’s obvious because this woman…..you just have to see her for yourself.

Well, I saw she started a new page called, “Homeless Humans of Tacoma”. So, I started following her page. She takes blessing bags out to the homeless. I let her know I wanted to help and could do 5 bags. I haven’t done this sort of thing before so I wasn’t certain of the cost and what I would put in the bags. She has a picture of a list on her FB page and I just printed out and checked off things I found at the dollar store. I did 5 bags and it cost me $90.00! That was it.

Not once did I think I would get anything out of this, I was honestly just trying to help other people.

Fast forward a few days.

You all know I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety since my Dad passed away 14 years ago. I was 30 years old and had ZERO coping skills and was SO VERY angry with God for not saving his life for me.  I wanted him to see my kids grow up and grow old along with us all. Even though he was sick, his death was still unexpected and really threw me for a loop. I was in a really dark place for a really long time.  

I just recently went off my anti-depressant medication because my thyroid levels are finally optimal after having my thyroid removed in 2013 and I thought, “OK, now I need to start dealing with some other things” So I’ve been off of it several weeks and I’m starting to “feel” things more and some things are not too good but some things are really great, so I’m focusing on the really great things, or I should say I’m trying to focus on the great things.

I was having a really bad day at work and I was going down quick. I was tired and feeling sick which makes things worse. I heard from one friend whose son just relapsed after being home for 1 week from recovery. Then I had heard from another friend and her husband had just committed suicide and my thoughts immediately turned to, “OK Satan, when are you gonna get me next? I’m sure it’s right around the corner since I just went off my medication. I’m sure of it” After several conversations like this one with myself I had to leave work, I had to just get out of there and try to focus on something else.  So I decided I would travel to the dollar store to purchase the items for the blessing bags. Then my conversation with myself went like this:

Why are you even doing this?

This isn’t going to make anyone happy, for crying out loud you are buying these things at the dollar store - it’s not like they are “nice” things.

These blessing bags will not really bless anyone, just turn the car around and go get some lunch this is just stupid.

I walk into the dollar store. The entire time I’m in the store I can hear this woman’s very happy and loud voice being kind to everyone she came into contact with. She was obviously very good at her job of customer service, people were laughing and when people would come into the store she seemed to know them by name. She was great. I could tell. I wanted to be her friend and I didn’t even know her. I love people like that.

So I gather all my stuff and start checking out with that same lady.

I had a ton of items and she said “Oh my gosh you are buying a lot of stuff.” And I proceeded to tell her it’s for several people and I’m going to do some blessing bags for some homeless people but I did not tell her where I was going or any of this back story.  

She proceeded to tell me she was homeless just a few years ago and was walking the streets of TACOMA and if someone gave her any of these items she would have been so happy. She was picking up the smarties candy and just going, “oh my gosh, all these things are so amazing the homeless people are going to love all these things. Oh my gosh, deodorant, dry shampoo, what?” And each thing she picked up and said something about was like a kid at Christmas. She said, “Girl you are blessing these people you don’t have any idea how happy you are going to make them.” I said, “Well, it isn’t really me, I feel as though God has put this on my heart to help someone” and she said, “OK well you are doing the Lord’s work right here.  YOU are doing the Lord’s work” (yes she said it twice to me, how did she know I wasn’t believing?)

Mind you this entire time she is being loud, I felt embarrassed as I’m sure people heard me and what if they were offended and then I quickly turned that thought into, WHO CARES! This is the Lord’s work and He is telling me exactly that through this recovering addict, ex-homeless, kind and loving, beautiful woman of God.

My day was changed. I walked out of there feeling humbled and so very blessed and all along, I never thought this action would bless me!

So, who wants to bless some people in Tacoma with us? If you are interested check out Patti’s facebook page and let her know.

I felt like God spoke straight to me on this day.

“Delinda, quit it. You have so much to be thankful for and so many people do not, so get out there, love and help them. Laugh and smile at  them because you know how it makes you feel when someone smiles and laughs with you!”

                   

I don’t claim to know a lot about much

I don’t claim to know a lot about much.

Unfortunately, I do know a lot about depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I do know how it feels to go through something you think will never end. I do know the actual physical pain of depression, which so many do not understand. I guess it holds true you don’t know until you’ve been through it and even then, everyone handles it differently.

I’m not sure which came first, my depression or my thyroid problems but I do know the mix of them have made me gain an enormous amount of unwanted weight. I say “unwanted” because I know in the future when I’m building muscle back up, I will want the weight but for now we can say this weight is unwanted.

In the last few months, I’ve started back to free weights. I’ve started following a bunch of female weight lifters on Instagram and Facebook. I’ve joined a few groups where I’ve met women who have already helped me along the way and some of the women I draw inspiration from. These women are encouraging to each other, not tearing each other down, not mean to each other or calling each other names. They are kind, patient and very helpful. I’m not sure they realize it but they have inspired me just by seeing their before and after pictures.  I’m amazed at what our bodies can and will do, if we work hard and continue to put one foot in front of the other.

So today, I opened Facebook to see one of these women in fitness, lost her journey to mental illness. Her name is Kira Martin and she had a brush with death when she delivered her 5th child. Her story is amazing.

You can see her story of recovery at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBmwB-s9RYg

Needless to say, I was sad all morning. I’ve been thinking:

“OK Satan, when will YOU get to ME?”

“She is one strong woman, if you got her; you’ll probably end up getting me one day as well!”

“When am I going to give in?”

“Just how much longer can I live with this illness, God?”

“Am I going to be one of them that just can’t take it anymore?”

It seems at some point, many lose their battle.

As quickly as all those bad thoughts come to my mind, I am then reminded of the sermon at church over the weekend and the verse in Mark 9:23-24. The verse about the boy who was taken over, and he says to the boy’s father; “Everything is possible for one who believes.”

See how God saved me going deeper into the depression, this time around? He reminded me to think of this weekend and what I learned and what God showed me. He reminded me to focus on Him and His love for me, only! Let the rest fall by the wayside…..and give it all to Him. He will take care of it all.

No one has the final say over my life, but Christ and Christ alone! Just because the adversary tries to take my thoughts, and tries to tear me down with all these negative thoughts, bad memories or flashbacks of some pretty awful events – Christ brings me back to His love for me. Who I am in Him is all that matters to me. My identity I placed in too many other things and too many other people early on in my life, and I know now what a huge mistake it was. I was a wife, I was a full time, awesome Mother, I was an awesome friend to so many, I was a loved daughter by my family of origin…I “was” so many things.  Then the fall from my sin came and I lost it all.

Gone.

Fast.

Very fast.

Too fast for me to comprehend.

Too fast for me to “deal” with, which then in turn increased the volume on the depression and suicidal thoughts; I was in Satan’s grip, he had me, I could feel it and he is such a little weasel. I cannot stand him!

Satan will never consume my thoughts again because I know I have the Defender of My Soul by my side every single darn day. I can call out to the Holy Spirit for help and I know He will beat these demons down and He will do it well, just to help me, His beloved daughter whom He loves so much. No matter if I’m a friend, wife or mother the way others think I should be or shouldn’t be….none of it matters and it never will again, to me. After all these thoughts were circling in my head, I went to my daily devotional….. and I opened my Jesus Calling for the day, I could hear Him saying this directly to me

August 4, 2015

HOLD MY HAND, and walk joyously with Me through this day. Together we will savor the pleasures and endure the difficulties it brings. Be on the lookout for everything I have prepared for you: stunning scenery, bracing winds of adventure, cozy nooks for resting when you are weary, and much more. I am your Guide, as well as your constant Companion. I know every step of the journey ahead of you, all the way to Heaven.

You don’t have to choose between staying close to Me and staying on course. Since I am the Way, staying close to me is staying on course. As you focus your thoughts on Me, I will guide you carefully along today’s journey. Don’t worry about what is around the next bend. Just concentrate on enjoying My presence and staying in step with me.

John 14:6; Colossians 4:2

I do know a lot about being at the bottom of yourself and then coming back out of it with the help of no one else other than Christ. I do know He can and will do the same for you; if you call on Him. He will pull you out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He will set your feet on solid ground and steady you as you walk along. Psalms 40:2 NLT

The only thing you need to do – let Him in. It’s so very simple and you’ll never regret it.

I hope you realize just how much you are loved, no matter what the world might think of you.

You were His first and you will be His forever!

He has the final word on your life!

Side Note: Please don't think I am saying if you are a Christian your life will be easy and this type of thing wouldn't happen. I am not saying Christians never commit suicide because that isn't the truth. It happens and it could happen to any one of us. I'm saying I personally will never be in that place again - as long as I stay on course. As long as I remind myself daily of the truth; walk in the truth and read the truth. I'm saying MY relationship with Christ is what has kept me from committing suicide.

I want people to know, there is Hope.

I remember the day I fell in love with Him.  It was the day He took all my suicidal thoughts from me, all of them. He replaced it with the knowledge of just how much He loves me. He told me I am His Beloved and I will be forever and always. He told me He will be the Only One who will never leave my side. He told me He is always with me, I just need to whisper His name and He is there. He told me His angels will protect me everyday of my life and I should fear nothing.

My husband would have lost his Wife.
Our kids would have lost their Mother.
My sister would have lost her sister and best friend.
My brother would have lost his sister.
My mother would have lost her daughter.
My in-laws would have lost their daughter-in-law.
My nieces and nephews would have lost an Auntie.
My friends would have lost a friend.

No medication, alcohol or drugs, exercise, counselor, human being, or self-help books could have done this.
This was all the Holy Spirit telling me just who I am to Him and just how sad He would be if I took my own life. The life He had planned for me before my parents had planned to have me.

This really resonated with me when Robin Williams took his own life and I've thought about it everyday.  All the sadness everyone felt, the hole people have in their heart now he is gone, the people he changed because he changed his course of life. This could have been what happened in my case (of course not to this extreme but you understand where I'm going). The point is when you are having suicidal thoughts, or are in your depression, you don't think of others, it just isn't possible.  You think of ways to get away from the pain.  I understand this doesn't help anyone but when you are in the dark, black, deep hole....you are in pain, you feel desperate and you want the pain to stop, I just didn't know how to make it happen. I did know, if I killed myself the pain would stop. I wouldn't feel it anymore. No, I personally do not believe suicide is a selfish act. I believe the people who take their own lives just want the pain to stop.  That's it....please make it stop! It's a sickness like any other sickness. I also believe God is with them in the last moment of their life, He is right there.  It isn't my place to say what happens after, it is only for God to decide. When I hear of someone who has taken their life, I pray for them and then I whisper "Thank you Jesus, thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm forever yours!" It could have been me, so easily. "There but for the grace of God go I" 

Yes, I was in the deep, dark, hole where I was barely hanging onto the edge.....where I felt and said "Just one more thing God, I can't deal with it, please just take it all away, please take my life tonight so I don't have to do it myself".

Then I surrendered to Him. I let my fingers slip and I fell deep into His love for me.  I fell into His love story He wrote just for me. I started seeing and feeling differently. Everyday, I felt it lift a little more than the day before.

My life is forever changed and for the better.

I am forever thankful to Him.

Most importantly I am loved.

If you too feel this way, I want you to know there is Hope.  There is a way out!

This time around.......

During this process of writing my book, I'm going to have to go places I don't really want to go. To the past. When I first moved here, I kept a private blog and never posted to the internet. It was all about my feelings. It was all about the events from day to day. Some pretty bad events. Some pretty bad actions by others and myself. I'm going to have to go back to read the blog for the content of my book.  When I think about it, I honestly get scared.  Then I tell someone I am scared, either Jason or Aunie and each of them (unknowingly) help to switch my thinking to where it was supposed to be before the fear set in.  I keep going back to "This book is for God. All of God and for women/girls to realize they don't have to go down the same road I did. They have so much in God, no man will ever be capable of His kind of love toward us." (this isn't to bash men, I promise, I love my man).

                                                                 Gulf of Mexico

People often say to me, "I don't know how you do it. I would never be able to do what you do. I just couldn't make it. How do you do it?"
Truth be told, I can't do it on my own because when I try, I struggle daily, I cry often and my heart hurts a lot. I feel lost because I put so much time, effort and love into being a Mother. I often said to myself and everyone around me, being a Mom is the ONLY thing I've ever done so well. It's all I had, or so I felt.

There has been so much pain and heartache in the last 5 years of my life.

For 5 years, me living away from my children was my sole focus.  All I could think about was how bad of a mother I was to move back to Washington. To leave them there and not fight. At the time, I had no idea the turn of events to come. I had nothing left in me to fight. I just kept praying God would take care of them. He knew best and He would be with my babies everyday I physically couldn't. I believed it but obviously my actions didn't speak such truth. I kept secretly wishing and hoping one day, they would be with me full time again. I felt like a caged animal, looking and searching for answers on how to get released from the cage. I felt like the Mother you see in the grocery store who lost her child for even a minute and she is frantically running around trying to find her baby. (this actually happened to me when my son was 2 years old, so I remember the feeling from way back then, as well). I was lost. I had lost myself. I had lost my identity. I (felt like) I had lost the only two people who really loved me how I loved them......unconditionally. The two people I made such wonderful memories with. The two people I said I would NEVER be without. If I ever heard of or saw a woman in my shoes, I was the first one and the worst one to judge her. I would say the same things everyone said about me "how could she do that?"

When we would see each other, we all had such anxiety for the end of the visit as well as anxiety prior to the visit - we were all so excited and then so sad to leave each other. I was wrapped in a constant blanket of fear. Will my children hate me one day? Will my children be talking to their therapist one day about all my mistakes? Will they still love me? Will they die before we see each other again? What if they get hurt while I'm away? What if they get cancer?  Can you feel how bad the anxiety was? It was thick and you could cut it with a knife if you were around me.

When I was getting ready to leave Utah, I saw a counselor who told me, "You will be on an emotional roller coaster the rest of your life if you make this decision." I didn't really like his comments.  He said some pretty mean things and was very one-sided, as many people's opinions were. No blame, just facts here.

The therapist was correct. This has been an emotional roller coaster for 5 years!
However, he failed to mention.......

1. When you lose yourself, you find God.
2. When you feel like an orphan, your Father in Heaven is with you.
3. When you lose friends, God will place new friends in your life.
4. How you thought your life would be, may never be; however, God's way is best.
5. Even though I don't physically live in the same town or state as my children. I would still have a relationship with them. I would still be involved in their daily lives. My children still feel like I support them even if I'm not physically by their side. My son said to me "you are always there for me Mom" and I believe him saying this made my year.
6. He didn't tell me I would never take my children for granted one more day.
7. He didn't tell me when we would be together, we would still make wonderful and happy memories.
8. He didn't tell me Christ heals all wounds, even the ones we can't see.
9. He didn't tell me when you have hit rock bottom, God will pick you up, carry you and never leave you.
10. He didn't tell me my relationships will be strengthened with and only through God.
11. He also didn't say maybe, just maybe this was supposed to be? Maybe this was God's plan?
12. He didn't say my children and I would have a wonderful and loving relationship.
13. He also didn't say I would find another human being who would love me how Christ does - unconditionally. And this man would walk along the path of following Christ at the exact same time as me.
14. He definitely didn't tell me about all the love and support which would be given to me.
15. He didn't tell me me and my kids would still laugh, love and be happy together.

No, I can't get the last 5 years of my life back.  However, my children are now seeing a Mom who is healthy. They are seeing a Mom who doesn't have anxiety, who isn't depressed and who fully engages with them when they are in her presence. Of course, I still make mistakes but now I can apologize for them and not be oblivious about them.

What I'm getting at is God makes such wonderful things out of something we might think is the worst time of our lives.

Writing this post last night, it threw me into a state of depression which I knew at some point would again happen. When you are talking about the past, a past you didn't really like, it opens wounds and my wounds aren't all healed quite yet. I started writing, got half way through and said, "I need to stop." I could feel it overtaking me. I put it down and read some then I thought, "I'm ok now, keep going". I was wrong. I should have just listened to myself and quit for the day. I pretty much cried off and on the rest of the evening.

This time around with the depression, I was able to keep my focus on Him and I just kept praying for Him to stop the sadness. I kept whispering Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. It worked because I went to bed and today, I woke up happy, I woke up renewed and believing God was by my side through it all last night. When I went to the car I didn't think how it would feel to die in the car and how the pain would stop immediately if I would just give in. I didn't think anything negative about myself at all today. I just kept thinking of how much He loves me and wants to be with me all the days of my life.

I believe God is the one who wants me to write the book to glorify Him and I'm going to do what He asks of me. The first 42 years I did what I wanted when I wanted and look where it got me. I've thrown up my hands, gave in and asked Him to change my life. I knew I couldn't go on much longer.

Jesus, thank you so much for loving me. Thank you so much for not letting me get the best of myself. Thank you for showing me what it is you want of me and just how I can do it. Thank you for letting everything fall into place thus far. You are beautiful. You are my #1 and I never want to live one more day again without you!

I have learned so much on this crazy ride of life.

This time around, I overcame....all because of Him.

Just a Mom...........

(I am sure my sister is sick of hearing this one - haha)

My little sister is 4 years younger than I am.  I remember visiting my Mom at Memorial Hospital after she gave birth to her. I can remember the day my Mom brought her home for me. I remember the smell of her skin, the softness of it and how I always wanted to hold her or be by her. I believe this is one of the interactions which made me always want to be a Mom. My Mom tells me when I was little, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up and I would always say "A Mom". High hopes huh? I didn't aspire to be a lawyer, a doctor or anything else. Just a Mom.

Now I am 42 years old and my first baby is graduating from high school in June. Now, "just a mom" feels like I was a doctor, a defense attorney, a nurse, a chauffeur, a chef, an event planner, teacher and police officer! 

I was his defense attorney when a kid at his grade school bit him in the neck. I marched him back to school and had him tell the teacher. I had to defend him for crying out loud.

I was his police officer and tried to save him when he was 8 weeks old. I pulled off to the side of the road to get the mail at our house way out in the country. There was black ice on the road and I heard a truck coming fast. It didn't see my lights I guess and I could hear him slam on his breaks and now he was sliding toward the car. The car I just got out of and left my 8 week old newborn inside.  I ran behind the car and in front of the truck waving my hands saying "no, no, no, no" as if I could do something, right?  When I realized this wouldn't work, I took off running into the field because I didn't know where the car would be pushed and what if it hit me? Can you imagine how this looked? Probably hilarious!!

I was his doctor when we went through different medications for GERD when he was just 3 years old. One medication he took he started running around crying telling me he had bugs all over him. The doctor in me said to stop the medication. We did. I was his doctor when the doctors told me he wasn't allergic to milk. I knew what was going on. I was his mother and he was just inside me for 9 months, sheesh! 18 months of age and they sent us to UW to get tested and sure enough he was extremely allergic to milk, cheese, eggs and lettuce.  HA HA lettuce? Yeah, I know weird. 

I was his nurse when he would have the flu. I would wake up before he got sick, every time before he even woke up, and then I would go to him. He would start to throw up and I would put my hands out like I was going to catch it? What the heck? I'm a little weird I know. I would nurse him back to health with cuddles, hugs, kisses and I never cared if I got sick too.  It just didn't matter. Yes, I was sick a lot when he was little but it was all worth it.

His chauffer,you all get it, Moms are always the chauffeurs right?

Yes, I was his chef. I solely breastfed him till he was 14 months old and it counts, so there. I will never forget his face the first time I fed him the baby food called garden vegetables, he loved them! And I can make an awesome pasta. Its all I've got but hey, I was still his chef! 

I was his teacher when I bought him Hooked on Phonics Jr and taught him how to read at 4 years old.

I was his event planner when every birthday came around.  Or when we had kids come over to play, we always had fun things planned. 

The best job I've ever had "just a mom". I was paid far more than any lawyer, doctor, nurse or teacher could be paid. I was paid with love, the best hugs, the best smiles in the world, happy belly laughing and so many more non-monetary gifts he gave to this Mom. It made me happy just to be around him. I love him what can I say?

I'm sure all parents feel this way about their children.

What amazes me - God feels this same way about us! His love is beyond anything we can ever imagine. His love fights off the arrows I throw at myself, when I'm depressed.  When I am following Him and doing what He is asking of me and something happens, a negative thought or doubt creeps in, He fights it off! He just did it for me yesterday. He is everything to us, and what we are to our children....but, EVEN MORE! We'll never realize just how much until we see Him again and even then we will never be able to love how He loves us.

I often think of Jesus up there on the cross and His mother at His feet crying. She knew it was God's will. Could I have done it if I knew it was God's will? Um, no, I know I couldn't. 

I think in my life, I have let the world influence me far too many times and put God to the side but not anymore. 

His love does not mean I will never have depressed days again but it does mean they'll be few and far between. It does not mean He has made me perfect because I am human and will always make mistakes. His love does mean I'm forgiven and it is the exact reason He was on the cross for me. Yes, for me and you! He knows us just how we know our children but even better. He knows our hearts, our thoughts, our names and every single hair on our head. He made us. We are His children, all of us.

His love to me means I will always have a defender of bullies. I will always be loved.  I will never be alone again. The more days I am with Him, reading His book, listening to His word and staying focused on Him.....I feel more peace coming into my life and if you have ever been depressed then you know how good this feels. I see the positive in people now. I see the love coming from people's actions to one another. I hear the kind words people speak. I want to return His love to others. I want to live now, which is remarkable in and of itself. I cannot stop smiling. I could have never done this on my own and you don't have to either.

Praise the Lord.

Luke 12:7

The Message (MSG)

6-7 “What’s the price of two or three pet canaries? Some loose change, right? But God never overlooks a single one. And he pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head! So don’t be intimidated by all this bully talk. You’re worth more than a million canaries.

WE MUST STOP THE LIES!

My hometown is Yakima, WA.  There is a great church there called Morningstar Church.

(I secretly pray to God to lead us back to Yakima, somehow, someway - just so we can be a part of what they are doing. These people will love you just like Christ does!)

Just this morning, I was listening to one of their sermons titled "What do you see" and it 's subtitle is "How do you see problems".  Michahn said "what the enemy was trying to use to destroy you, God is gonna use the very same thing to heal you." In my life, He is doing just that. He is healing me and giving me the strength to talk about it to possibly help others.

There were many people and certain events which helped lead us to the Lord and Morningstar Church was definitely an integral part.  My little sister attends the church and was telling us such great things about it. We were in town visiting her family one weekend and she asked us to go one Saturday night.  We went.  We liked what the Pastor had to say. He is a great speaker and so in love with Christ and it’s so obvious. He and his wife are real people; they have had real problems as everyone does. He tells people about their struggles and how far they have come with Christ.

So we left church and were amazed at how real he was and how easily he spoke about his struggles. He wasn't embarrassed by them. It was real and I thought to myself, "If God loves Micahn, then He loves us too - no matter what we have done." We were not proud of ourselves, that’s for sure and I also thought,, "I could never tell people what I have done like Micahn did. I am so ashamed." I was still at the point of believing what the adversary was telling me about myself.

My husband and I both downloaded the app and started to listen to their sermons. I highly recommend doing this.  I listened to them at work, on my way home and as much as I could. When one sermon would end, I would anxiously await the next.  There is so much hope in his messages and that is what I was searching for.

Christ kept talking through the sermons and I heard what He was saying. We both heard the messages but we weren't quite to the point of letting the hurts and shame go - we kept holding on. Why? Well because it was familiar and really, "How could anyone love us when we've done what we have?" We didn't love ourselves, how could anyone else?

When I look back now over my life I realize He has been showing me and telling me so many things and I just didn't realize it. A lot of it came from conversations with my sister late at night. Her and her family loved us through it all. They loved us exactly how Jesus does - unconditionally. 

Left to right:
Me, age 4, Dad 31, My sister Newborn

He spoke through so many sermons and I even heard His voice in music. I still hear Him - He isn't leaving me. I'm keeping Him as close as possible.

I heard this song the other day on my way to work. It's so true and I love when He speaks to me.

Marvelous Light = Ellie Holcomb, lyrics

I'm not who I once was
Defined by all the things I've done
Afraid my shame would be exposed
Afraid of really being known
But then you gave my heart a home

So I walked out of the darkness and into the light
From fear of shame into a hope of life
Mercy called my name and right away to fly
Out of the darkness and into the light

www.ellieholcomb.com

Are you listening to Him or are you listening to what you believe the world thinks of you?

Listen to Him, it is the only way to go. He will set you free!!

Do you do this, too?

I've been starting my days off with reading a daily devotional or certain bible studies on my phone through the Bible App.  I've been filling my days with Christian music while working and trying to stay away from negativity and things that wouldn't honor God i.e., certain movies, certain music & no cussing! I can tell you now, I never used to believe this would help me.  I WAS WRONG! I have been wrong in all my beliefs and God is showing me just how wrong I was. 

I work as a Closer/Funder for a mortgage company. Sometimes people write letters of explanations in regards to their circumstances, to possibly have an UW give an exception on something they are asking of the borrowers. Today, I read a letter of explanation and it just about dropped me down into depression again.  This family was asking for an exception on something and their reasoning broke my heart.  A family of 4 small children, dad and a Mom (6 years younger than me) was recently diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer and going into chemotherapy tomorrow. So, they asked for an exception and a rush on getting the docs out. They wanted an exception for their current house they are leasing but haven't gotten someone to rent it quite yet.  They want to move into a larger home so family can stay with them as the Mom is going through chemotherapy. I started looking around the file and putting myself in the family's position asking myself  "How would I feel, how would my children feel, what would my husband do, will she have very much longer to live and to even enjoy her children and this house?"

I emailed the Loan Officer and told her I will be praying for the family and I intend to tell our bible study group about this family (not their names of course) and we will all be praying. I also asked for her to let me know when God performs His miracle on her because I do believe it will happen. The loan officer replied with "God has had His hand in this from the beginning." I loved seeing her response. I'm trying to go out of my comfort zone and talk about Christ any chance I can get and I'm fearful I could possibly lose my job over doing so. Not with these lovely ladies who I work with.....I'm so very blessed and I had no idea they were believers. I was pleasantly surprised.

Normally, I would have lost a day to thinking about this family, most likely crying about this family and taking this pain home & holding it close to my heart.  This time, it didn't happen.  This time I immediately gave it to God and said "God, your plans are far better than we know and even if your miracle is to take her to Heaven to be with you, then so be it. I won't be sad because you are good, your love is the best and you know all"

His way feels so much better than my own.  I didn't cry. I didn't keep the pain close to my heart. I just prayed about it when I thought about their family and trusted God. Period. Nothing more. That simple.

Just now, I opened up one of my daily devotionals and it is in regards to this exact same situation.  It says, "April 22nd, Listen to me continually. I have much to communicate to you, so many people and situations in need of prayer. I am training you to set your mind on Me more and more, tuning out distractions through the help of My Spirit. Walk with me in holy trust, responding to My initiative rather than trying to make things fit your plans. I died to set you free, and that includes freedom from compulsive planning. When your mind spins with a multitude of thoughts, you cannot hear My voice.A mind preoccupied with planning pays homage to the idol of control. Turn from this idolatry back to Me. Listen to Me and live abundantly." Jesus calling by Sarah Young.

I am now set free and living abundantly all because of Christ's love for me. All because I stopped talking, planning and worrying. Instead I'm listening and looking all around to see God's plan.  All because now His love for me is the only thing I put my worth in. What I wear, what my hair looks like, if I have make-up on, how skinny or large I am...NONE OF IT MATTERS anymore. He has made me complete. I'm sticking with Him. He's my guy always and forever. His love is so good, I want you to feel it too - so I will share. Just try it.......

In Him ,

Delinda