During this process of writing my book, I'm going to have to go places I don't really want to go. To the past. When I first moved here, I kept a private blog and never posted to the internet. It was all about my feelings. It was all about the events from day to day. Some pretty bad events. Some pretty bad actions by others and myself. I'm going to have to go back to read the blog for the content of my book. When I think about it, I honestly get scared. Then I tell someone I am scared, either Jason or Aunie and each of them (unknowingly) help to switch my thinking to where it was supposed to be before the fear set in. I keep going back to "This book is for God. All of God and for women/girls to realize they don't have to go down the same road I did. They have so much in God, no man will ever be capable of His kind of love toward us." (this isn't to bash men, I promise, I love my man).
People often say to me, "I don't know how you do it. I would never be able to do what you do. I just couldn't make it. How do you do it?"
Truth be told, I can't do it on my own because when I try, I struggle daily, I cry often and my heart hurts a lot. I feel lost because I put so much time, effort and love into being a Mother. I often said to myself and everyone around me, being a Mom is the ONLY thing I've ever done so well. It's all I had, or so I felt.
There has been so much pain and heartache in the last 5 years of my life.
For 5 years, me living away from my children was my sole focus. All I could think about was how bad of a mother I was to move back to Washington. To leave them there and not fight. At the time, I had no idea the turn of events to come. I had nothing left in me to fight. I just kept praying God would take care of them. He knew best and He would be with my babies everyday I physically couldn't. I believed it but obviously my actions didn't speak such truth. I kept secretly wishing and hoping one day, they would be with me full time again. I felt like a caged animal, looking and searching for answers on how to get released from the cage. I felt like the Mother you see in the grocery store who lost her child for even a minute and she is frantically running around trying to find her baby. (this actually happened to me when my son was 2 years old, so I remember the feeling from way back then, as well). I was lost. I had lost myself. I had lost my identity. I (felt like) I had lost the only two people who really loved me how I loved them......unconditionally. The two people I made such wonderful memories with. The two people I said I would NEVER be without. If I ever heard of or saw a woman in my shoes, I was the first one and the worst one to judge her. I would say the same things everyone said about me "how could she do that?"
When we would see each other, we all had such anxiety for the end of the visit as well as anxiety prior to the visit - we were all so excited and then so sad to leave each other. I was wrapped in a constant blanket of fear. Will my children hate me one day? Will my children be talking to their therapist one day about all my mistakes? Will they still love me? Will they die before we see each other again? What if they get hurt while I'm away? What if they get cancer? Can you feel how bad the anxiety was? It was thick and you could cut it with a knife if you were around me.
When I was getting ready to leave Utah, I saw a counselor who told me, "You will be on an emotional roller coaster the rest of your life if you make this decision." I didn't really like his comments. He said some pretty mean things and was very one-sided, as many people's opinions were. No blame, just facts here.
The therapist was correct. This has been an emotional roller coaster for 5 years!
However, he failed to mention.......
1. When you lose yourself, you find God.
2. When you feel like an orphan, your Father in Heaven is with you.
3. When you lose friends, God will place new friends in your life.
4. How you thought your life would be, may never be; however, God's way is best.
5. Even though I don't physically live in the same town or state as my children. I would still have a relationship with them. I would still be involved in their daily lives. My children still feel like I support them even if I'm not physically by their side. My son said to me "you are always there for me Mom" and I believe him saying this made my year.
6. He didn't tell me I would never take my children for granted one more day.
7. He didn't tell me when we would be together, we would still make wonderful and happy memories.
8. He didn't tell me Christ heals all wounds, even the ones we can't see.
9. He didn't tell me when you have hit rock bottom, God will pick you up, carry you and never leave you.
10. He didn't tell me my relationships will be strengthened with and only through God.
11. He also didn't say maybe, just maybe this was supposed to be? Maybe this was God's plan?
12. He didn't say my children and I would have a wonderful and loving relationship.
13. He also didn't say I would find another human being who would love me how Christ does - unconditionally. And this man would walk along the path of following Christ at the exact same time as me.
14. He definitely didn't tell me about all the love and support which would be given to me.
15. He didn't tell me me and my kids would still laugh, love and be happy together.
No, I can't get the last 5 years of my life back. However, my children are now seeing a Mom who is healthy. They are seeing a Mom who doesn't have anxiety, who isn't depressed and who fully engages with them when they are in her presence. Of course, I still make mistakes but now I can apologize for them and not be oblivious about them.
What I'm getting at is God makes such wonderful things out of something we might think is the worst time of our lives.
Writing this post last night, it threw me into a state of depression which I knew at some point would again happen. When you are talking about the past, a past you didn't really like, it opens wounds and my wounds aren't all healed quite yet. I started writing, got half way through and said, "I need to stop." I could feel it overtaking me. I put it down and read some then I thought, "I'm ok now, keep going". I was wrong. I should have just listened to myself and quit for the day. I pretty much cried off and on the rest of the evening.
This time around with the depression, I was able to keep my focus on Him and I just kept praying for Him to stop the sadness. I kept whispering Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. It worked because I went to bed and today, I woke up happy, I woke up renewed and believing God was by my side through it all last night. When I went to the car I didn't think how it would feel to die in the car and how the pain would stop immediately if I would just give in. I didn't think anything negative about myself at all today. I just kept thinking of how much He loves me and wants to be with me all the days of my life.
I believe God is the one who wants me to write the book to glorify Him and I'm going to do what He asks of me. The first 42 years I did what I wanted when I wanted and look where it got me. I've thrown up my hands, gave in and asked Him to change my life. I knew I couldn't go on much longer.
Jesus, thank you so much for loving me. Thank you so much for not letting me get the best of myself. Thank you for showing me what it is you want of me and just how I can do it. Thank you for letting everything fall into place thus far. You are beautiful. You are my #1 and I never want to live one more day again without you!
I have learned so much on this crazy ride of life.
This time around, I overcame....all because of Him.