Sunday, July 16, 2017

Remember this...

One of my repeated prayers is the people I come into contact with, or even love, don’t die without knowing His love for them, without accepting Him as their Savior and giving their lives over to Him.

You see my Dad died in 2001 and I often wonder, “Was Christ his Savior? Will my Dad be in Heaven when I get there? Will I see him? Is he hurting?” Even after all this time, I still wonder and think of him.
He wasn’t a perfect man but I loved him. He had MANY faults and so do I. He rarely told us he loved us. He rarely held a conversation with us. He was distant. He was hurting. He had a lot of demons and a lot of shame he lived with and as an adult, I get this now. As a child, I didn’t understand the hurt. As a child, (I’ve talked about this before, I know) I was hurting, scared and didn’t understand the chaos in our home.
And honestly, a lot of my childhood is still with me. I had a few relationships with boys/men growing up and even as an adult and they weren’t good. I’m trying to work through this with God. You see He is the epitome of a “perfect” relationship with a Man, the one I’ve always hoped for.
I’m in a good place now. I don’t want to go back to where I was, ever!
I don’t want others to ever suffer what I went through – so I want to tell you all about His Perfect Love and quite frankly, when you find “the One” you can’t stop talking about Him – can you? J

So because of my childhood and my hurting, I see it in others…….I see they have a story, just as I do, and I see a lot of times, the story gets stuck to us and it’s so hard to shake the story off. I want to help you shake your story off of you, with the help of God – you too can do it!

And now…………
My heart is for Jesus.
And, His heart is for the lost.
So since He is in my heart, my heart becomes one with His.
I hurt for the lost; the cashier I see at Safeway who is so saddened and you can see it on her face. She’s so very hurt. She wears it on her sleeve.
I hurt for the depressed and suicidal; I was there at one time and I can see this in people, so many people walking around with this on their face – you can’t hide it from me. If I see it, I will call it out and try to draw you into the One True Love for you!
I hurt for the homeless; I see this everyday outside my office at work. They are asleep on the grass, on their sleeping bags, curled up in the only clothes they have. They haven’t showered, have they eaten, do their Mom’s miss them, are their sister’s praying for them? Are they hungry? Oh Lord, tell me how to help them. Tell me how to help them, how YOU want me to help them. Not how others think I should “Oh quit giving them food, quit helping them and they will go away.” I have actually heard friends/co-workers utter these words and it makes me so very sad because this is someone’s daughter, sister, mother, friend and most importantly this is GOD’s CHILD!! How dare you talk about them like that!
I hurt for the addicted; so many people are addicted and don’t even realize it.
I hurt for the prostitutes; they don’t believe they are worth more love than this? Oh God, please help them to know YOU!
I hurt for the people in jail; do they know Christ? Help me to show them YOU Lord, the way YOU want me to!
I hurt for the ones who think they don’t fit in because honestly, I don’t believe I have EVER fit in. Not once.
I’m just different.
Many times throughout my life, I have thought of this as a bad thing but I’ve come to learn it isn’t.
I’ve come to learn He calls us to be different.
We won’t look the same to the world, if we are one with Him and His heart.
And it is ok, to be different.
Just keep reminding yourself, keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Keep Him in the forefront of your mind and your daily activities.
Because there will be a force, like nothing you’ve ever felt and the force will try to pull you away from His love and what His heart stands for.
You see this force knows God’s plans for you. This force is a liar and he will try to tell you everything  you are not. He will try to point out all your faults and he will even tell you God doesn’t love you. LIAR! Just call him what he is, and be done with him!!!
This force knows once you get to where you are going, or once you find what His calling is for your life  – you will point it all back to the One who Matters Most, for His Glory.
Keep fighting.
Keep fighting the force and pulling up hill to God.
You’ll get there, eventually you will get there and at the top of the hill it is so very beautiful, it’s what you longed for from the beginning of your life.
It is worth every pull, every hard night, every struggle.
The most beautiful spot you’ve ever seen.
He is there.
He is waiting for you.
He has open arms and you will run to Him, just like the prodigal son ran to his Father.
But this Father is perfect.
This love is perfect.
His desires for you, are only for good and His plans are the best.
When you do finally meet Him, it will be the most beautiful moment of your life, beyond giving birth, or getting married, or buying your first home.
This moment, it’s what you’ve been waiting for because nothing else fills the hole – but Him.
I am.
The beginning and the end.
The one who gave His perfect life for you and your sins.
Are you living for Him?
If you aren’t, find me, text me, call me, visit with me – I do not want you to die without knowing Him and I would like to help you, show you how you can live for Him and with Him and you’ll be in love with Him.
The big, gaping hole can be filled; not with food, not with drugs, buying things, people, sex – it’s only Him, nothing more can help you.
He is waiting for you.
He is waiting for you to acknowledge Him and His love for you.
He is waiting for you to give up all the crap and just have a relationship with Him.
Don’t wait until you are at the bottom of yourself, like I did….come to Him now, He is calling you.
When I talk to you all about Him and His love, it is so helpful for me too. It’s a great reminder of what He has done in my life, a reminder of His love for me and for all the people around me.
I love talking about Him and how He feels about us.
Let’s talk! J
No judgment from me, zero.
Why? How?
Well, I was where you are at one point in my life – and I really could care less what you have done in your past. I want to see you how God sees you, perfected In Him! That’s it.
Remember this, and please get in touch with me.
Don’t let one more day pass without Him in your life

Friday, July 7, 2017


With a move from a city you lived in for 8 years, to your home town that you haven’t live in since 1998 – there comes change, there comes a shift in chores, time spent with each other, time not spent with each other, more family functions – lots and lots of change. Even the smallest of things, your work-out routine, your walking path, your dog not having his doggy door – which then in turn makes you get up MULTIPLE times to let him in and out because you see, he too has changes. He is SO dang excited about having a yard now, he wants to be in the yard a lot but he struggles too because he wants to be with his family in the house – so in and out, all night long until we get the doggy door in and the fence put up.

Change. It’s inevitable.

And, if you aren’t aware there will be big changes, you might fall. If you go into everything in your life, like I do, only thinking of the best times to come – well… might have some issues.

But for some reason, I can never do anything but this, I wish I could but I guess I'm an eternal optimist. I just always think the best of people and that the best is only to come. I haven’t decided if that is a good trait to have or not. Sometimes I think it’s a curse, like when I go through the difficult times and think “Well, you should have seen this coming! Why did you not see this coming before now?”

When people fail me, I am reminded of what is important in my life.
Christ and Christ Alone is what is important to me!
The one and only man who saved me from myself.
He never gave up on me.
He is always there by my side, to pick me up. I have a picture in my head, my Father walking beside me, I’ve fallen, He grabs my arm and lifts me back up to where I was before the fall.
He is that constant whisper I hear in my ear, “Delinda you are worth so much more than you think are! I created you in *MY* image and you are destined for big things!”
He is my cheerleader.
When these types of things happen in my life, I feel as though I’m on this constant roller coaster of emotions and I always try to figure out “Why?” Why am I like this God? Why did you make me this way? I hate this about myself. Couldn’t you have made me to be stronger with my emotions like so –and – so? You made her strong, look at all she has done in her life? This or that doesn’t bother her.”

But here I am again, comparing myself to someone and that is right where Satan wants me – so that I’m not doing God’s work. Helping the lost!

I think I just have to have these moments in my life, to get to the next phase of life, or to get to where He wants me.  On my knees again, face to the floor, crying out to Him. Humbled. Quiet. Ending in a peaceful situation. Ending with me talking to Him, like I talked to my Dad – even better though cause this Dad is PERFECT! It's just MY process of learning and I realize this. Do you do this, too? Or is it just me?

One of my goals in life is to tell every woman I come in contact with about our Dad's love for her.  It’s my calling.  I want women to know this Dad, this Dad before us – God – He is the “PERFECT” Dad. He is the one who won’t hit us, hit our Mom’s, verbally abuse our Mom’s, our siblings….nothing of the sort will happen with this Dad. He is what you are longing for, even though you may not know this – He is it!

Do you ever feel Him with you?

If you don’t, you just whisper His name, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus….please come and sit with me.” Like any GOOD, GOOD Father, He will be there in a matter of minutes. When His children call on His name, He hears all and is right there with you. And if you show up, you will hear Him, you will see His miracles and He will help you.

He does it for me every single stinking time. It never fails. I call on Him. He helps me, He picks me up and we walk together again.

If I am not in His word, or reading His love story to me – routinely, I sometimes forget about His love for me. That is why I try my hardest to do this daily. I am reading the bible “As it Happened” and I’m in such awe over what I’m learning. When I was in my twenties, I used to always read Danielle Steele romance novels because that is what my Mom read, so I followed.  Well, now I know and have read the best romance novel of all time. The Bible.

This is why I am so excited for the opportunity to start serving in our jail with the Faith Unit @ Together Church.  I get to take the bible to the inmates and let them know about our Dad’s love for them.  I am so very excited to do this. If you know me, you know I live with a lot of fears but for some reason I am not fearful of this. I know many would be, I’m sure if I asked my Mom she would be fearful for me. I’m not going to tell her and cause her to worry.

Fear is such a liar!
I trust in the Lord, to take care of me.
I’m taking His word, His love story to some women who may have never heard about Him before. The possibilities are endless for these women. Once you turn your life over to Him, there is a shift. He starts healing you, healing relationships, healing areas of your life that you may not even know you need healed – but He does just that.
It isn’t all at once, just little by little He works on you. He perfects you. That’s how He sees you – perfected. He doesn’t see your Sin, it’s washed away, long gone down the Yakima River, like my fears of floating the river.
I’m no longer afraid!
I did it!
At 46 years old I finally floated the river with my husband and daughter, and none of us drowned!
How did I do it?
Well, I started my day with my bible study because I thought, “If I die today God, I want to know more about you before I drown.” Silly, I know but that’s just a glimpse of the fear that was inside me.
I wore a life jacket. I was the only adult wearing one but I felt safe with it on. I am not the best swimmer.
Then I kept reminding myself I was making memories with my family and my new church family, that this was gonna be fun and He would take care of me.
And my daughter reminded me very abruptly, “Mom, you actually think He would take you out of all He has taken you out of but then let you drown in the Yakima river?”
She was right.
I taught her well, what can I say?
God also gave me a very patient and loving husband. He loves me like Christ does, THANK GOODNESS! Even with all my little hang-ups and habits, little tweaks here and there. . . he just keeps loving me, calming me or staying close by my side when he knows I’m fearful. He’s a good swimmer too, so there’s that. J I KNOW he would help us too if we were drowning.
And God placed me near more people who gave me His peace. They told me if Logan cramped and could not swim, they would get her and pull her in. See how crazy the fear just takes over your thinking?
I even watched her cliff jump at the Pac-man, I only watched her one time but then she went to do it again and I couldn’t watch her the 2nd time around!

I was calm.
I had no fear.
I’m not sure why, other than Him & the people He placed in my life that day, there are no other answers.
I mean I’m 46, come on people, this was a fear that was instilled in me a long time ago. I was 4 years old and in the Yakima river with my Mom and Dad. My Dad told me to not cross the river, he was going to cross over but said “stay right there, do not move, do not cross until I come back for you.”
Well, I was 4 and didn’t listen. It was fast and swift. I was so scared.  It was getting deeper and deeper and finally, I just stopped. I knew
(yes even at that age) that if I kept going, the river was going to take me down it. I cried out to my Dad to get me, I mean I was BAWLING I was so afraid. He was on the other side trying to get me to come to him and I couldn’t move. I just knew to stay put or what was going to happen. My Mom was crying, I was crying, & my Dad was very angry because I didn’t listen to him. It wasn’t a good situation.
Then while growing up our neighborhood boys would always hold me under the water, thinking it was funny, “Oh let’s see how long Delinda can hold her breath for.” I was little. This was awful and instilled a fear of water that has been with me since I was 4, so 42 years!
He took it.
I prayed.
He did it, He kept me safe and I’m no longer afraid.
He is the answer.
Just like my earthly Father, picked me up out of the Yakima River and saved me. . . God saved me too & He continues to remind me just how blessed I am by His love & how He cares for me. From His daily reminders, to the people He has strategically placed in our lives.

My life verse:

Psalm 40:2New Living Translation (NLT)

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
    out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
    and steadied me as I walked along.

I will be forever grateful.
My prayer is, I never forget this. It’s only been 3 years that we have been saved but every day I remember how I used to feel without Him in our lives. I never want to go back to that life.

FYI: People will always fails us, it’s inevitable because we are all human beings & you know what? Sometimes them failing me is because of me and my expectations that I have placed on them, and they don’t even know I did that! Which isn’t right either!

Sunday, March 19, 2017

He is MY Fairy Tale and He can be yours, too!

Someone asked me last week, "Who is Jesus to you?"
I had to think a few minutes about this one to formulate "EXACTLY" how I felt. I wanted to be sure I conveyed the exact perfect way of how He has changed my life. And thinking back on it now, I am pretty sure I didn't get it all out because it's bubbling up inside me again :-)

So here goes:

He is my fairy tale!

That's it!

I was dying.

I was at the last straw and the darkness was gonna break me. I actually believed one day it would get me and I would give in and kill myself - I felt as though it was just a matter of time before I gave in.

He rushed in on His White horse and saved me. (see The Book of Revelations and note the White Horse!) He literally picked me up off the floor and turned my life around! I was on my knees crying in my bedroom and asking Him for His help, for His will to be done.

As a little girl, I thought my fairy tale "knight in shining armor" was my Dad. But I would see and hear how he treated my Mother, the one woman who I loved so very much - the one who gave me life. Would my "knight in shining armor" really treat someone I love so much, so badly? I wrestled with that thought quite often. That was a struggle to love my Dad as much as I did and then see him treat her so badly....I remember running to my bedroom, and I was about 9 years old or so. I was crying, I was hiding and I was so scared of what was going on. They fought a lot while I was growing up and he didn't treat her very kindly. I lived a lot of my life afraid. I was so confused. Should I hate him for acting that way to her, or love him because he was my Dad? He never laid a finger on her but at times I'm pretty sure she wished he would have, instead of having to deal with the verbal abuse. It was awful, yet I still loved him. I vowed my children would never witness the verbal abuse in their childhood and they haven't, praise God. They may have witnessed other things I wish they hadn't but never verbal abuse.

And then I grew up and my Dad died!

So then as a young married woman, I always wanted this and thought this was going to come from my husband. Then my husband was struggling with his own sins and we were struggling with each other. And I found myself divorced

As a newlywed to my 2nd husband, I thought maybe this would come from my new husband.
Cause you know, maybe I just picked wrong the first time around? Then my new husband fell into his own sins and this husband failed me, too!

What flawed thinking I had. No one is perfect, no one. Why would I even expect perfection from someone? I know I'm not perfect so why would my expectations go that route?

Then remaining to focus on all the bad parts about me, all my flaws, all my sins, everything I ever gave into, everything I've ever said or done wrong to someone - all the "wrongs" stayed in the forefront of my mind.

I physically had pain. Did you even know mental illness hurts? It does and when you are in the middle of it, you want it to just stop and you'll do anything and everything to make it stop! Just end it, please! I thought my only way out was suicide, to make the pain stop, to make the bad thoughts about myself stop.

Recently my church shared my testimony on their big screen and it felt as though my story had come full circle. It's time to share it and yes, it's just a condensed version but my prayer is, "God! Use it how YOU see fit!"
There are parts of my story, some might judge, some might hate me for and some might be disgusted with. I am ok with that. The person I was before Christ was pretty disgusting. I did some not so nice things but the bright light in this story is Christ and His redeeming love. All of the bad situations I put myself in, will be talked about.....and then let go because God has forgiven me and I have forgiven myself! I'm free!

If you want to be free too, I can help you! Email me at or if you know my cell phone number, text me and I will point you in the direction of who can help you from here, or give you some ideas on what to do next in your walk with be "Free!" Or, if you just want to talk - we can do that too!

He is waiting for you!

Sunday, February 26, 2017

My Affliction Has a Purpose

"Grace means that all of your misakes now serve a purpose, instead of serving shame." Author Unknown

Thank you Jesus

Today, I am thankful for the stronghold depression had on my life.
Today, I am thankful my depression got so bad that I wanted to kill myself every single day. It was all I thought in and day out.
You think I'm crazy for being thankful for this affliction, don't you ?
Jesus let this happen to me because He knew the outcome. He knew one day, He would send me another Mom, woman, friend, co-worker, even just someone on the streets (which has happened believe it or not) who is in the *EXACT* same spot I once was. And I believe and I know, He knew when I came out of the depression I would point it all back to Him. He knew I would share His love with those women & all would not be lost!

So, He continues to bring these women into my life on the daily. And every time He brings me another I get to whisper "Thank you Jesus for saving me so I can tell her all about your love for her."

And sometimes, He even introduces me to another Christian who has gone through the same thing, is on the other side now and we get to share with each other exactly what our Dad had done for us - He saves!! He saves lives for a reason and all for His purpose and promise!

I heard in a sermon this week, "everything is given to you to fulfill God's purpose" & I took that literal. I took it as all good AND all bad! 

And when you get to that point of seeing your life's purpose, of walking out His calling on your life - you know He was with you every night you laid in bed and cried because of the person you thought you had become. He was right there with you when you were being bombarded by the lies from the enemy to just "do yourself in." He was right there with you when you cried to Him telling Him, "I am a Mom, why would you let my kids be taken from me? Why would you let that happen when you knew just how badly I longed for them, from the beginning of time! Why would you let that happen?" He was right there with me, through it all AND He will be with me through my next season of life as well!
Are you at this point in your life ? 
Can I help you ? 
Can I point you to THE one who will save you? 
Your spouse?
Your child?
Your boss?
Your Mom?
Your Dad?
No, those people will not save you but He is all of those, yet even more!
1. He knows every single hair on your head! Luke 12:7
Every. Single. One.
Let that sink in for a moment. If you are like me and you have a lot of hair - isn't that amazing?
2. He wrote your name on the palm of HIS hand! Isaiah 49:16
Think of that one, me? He wrote Delinda Mishall Clark Sowder on His hand! Kind of like a tattoo, my name will forever be etched on His palm.
3. He believes you to be the most beautiful person! Ecclesiastes 3:11
You see, He doesn't make mistakes - He only makes beautiful- just look around you at what else He has created! Who actually thinks the sun, moon, stars, mountains, oceans, babies, animals, the elderly, the young, the middle aged people - who actually believes any of these are ugly? Not me!
4. He made you in the image of Himself! Wow! Genesis 1:27
5. He made you knowing the outcome before you were even born! Jeremiah 1:5
6. He made you for a purpose whether you know what that purpose is right now, or not, if you ask Him to share that with you - He will! But you have to be open to hear Him! He might tell you through a song, another person, a sermon at church or a child but you have to ask and then be prepared to hear Him. If you are, I guarantee you will hear Him! Jeremiah 1:5 (again)
7. Never, ever, ever, ever underestimate what He can and will do through you to help save another person. Acts 14:22
You don't have the power to save lives but He does and He will use you! He used a couple at church to speak straight to my husband and I when we were deep in our "issues" and He used them to help save us. We know this because we lived it and I'm here to tell you, it can be done!
8. In order to have great relationships with others, you really should start with Him. John 1:10-13 
He will lead and guide you to the people you need in your life. I always find it funny how I said earlier, He brings women directly to me who are struggling like I once did. 
9. Once you are in His grasp, He won't let you go or leave you, or divorce you or say bad things about you. 
Jeremiah 29:11
He will do the exact opposite. Then He will bring others to you who will speak life into you - who will help you, walk next to you and teach you all about His love for you. And once you hear it and continue to hear it, you just might believe it.
10. will use those gifts He has given you, to help another and you too will say "Thank you Jesus for saving me, so I can help her and tell her all about you and your love for her!"
1 Peter 4-10
If you need help too, like I once did, please reach out to me so we can talk and I can tell you all about His love for you!
Your story matters!

Thursday, October 27, 2016

8 years ago

Do you think our bodies know the reason for our tears? By that I mean, if I'm crying because I'm heartbroken, or if I'm crying because I'm happy?
I believe my body knows.
From 2008 to 2014, I cried everyday.  I cried so much, I made myself sick, on many occasions.  I cried for what I lost. I lost my identity, my children, my love for myself, my marriage, my friends, and many family members. I honestly believe I cried so much I gave myself these auto-immune conditions I now suffer from.....
Is it the truth, did I really cause all these medical conditions?  I'm not sure but it feels like "my truth" to me because of how I felt for all those years. It was awful, desperate and like I've said many the bottom of myself. I am not sure others can understand the depths of those feelings, unless you've lived it yourself and that is why I try to explain it to as many people as possible.
I no longer cared about anything in my life. I put on a fake smile, so people would like me because who wants to be around a depressed person? No one! I kept it all inside. I rarely told anyone my children didn't live with me. I was so ashamed of my sin. I was certain others would think I had done drugs, or was an alcoholic and that was why my kids didn't live with me...which was far from the truth. I don't drink and I don't do drugs. We don't even have alcohol in our house.  I hate the taste of it and in the past if I ever did drink, I would fall asleep and that's no fun! 

Whenever I would come across another woman who didn't live with her children, we would instantly bond & I have remained very close with a few of them.  It's not normal for a Mom to not live with her children and it hurts deep and cuts to the core.  I felt like they had died, a part of me did die. I always felt like God made me specifically to be a Mom. I cherished every moment with them and I still do. I don't take them for granted, and I never have. They don't get on my nerves and I never get too much of them, even when we lived together.....I felt blessed being their Mom and I still feel blessed to be their Mom. And I have found, despite the miles between us - it doesn't matter.  WE are still in each other's lives - fully and daily, aware of what is going on and always texting, talking or messaging. I'm still their Mom!

I knew God before all of this happened but I never really met Jesus or the Holy Spirit. I never really understood Grace. I never really felt His love until I was at the bottom of myself.

When I found Him. I changed. My entire life changed. My beliefs changed. All of them, political beliefs, beliefs about abortion, beliefs about what was important and not, beliefs about love, beliefs about loving name it, it changed in my life, once I met Him and learned about Grace. My beliefs about addicts, people who cheated on their spouses, liars, homeless, affluent people, poor people....all of it, did a 180 pretty much overnight - which tells me that it was all God's doing. Not my own, for sure, I'm not that good but He is!

The truth is all of us women are the woman at the well. We all are. Whether we share our sins with one another or not, we all have them.  Now, I've only been saved a couple years but I don't believe God measures sin (maybe I'm wrong and I'll learn later but I did ask my smart friend who knows the bible much better than I do).

So, do you measure other's by their sin? Do you look at her and say, "Well, she did this or that, so she's awful and I cannot be around her" Or do you say, "Well, he's a liar and a cheater so he's an awful person." Or do you look at yourself and say, "I sin. My sin is between me and God, no one else. I won't judge others by how they sin because I don't want others to do that to me."
That is what I do.  I'm curious what other people do. Not that it matters at all because I won't judge. I just want you to be aware of what you say in your head about other people because you can form an opinion about them, and then it doesn't really give them a chance, does it? When people tick me off (because of little silly things, usually with work related stuff), almost every darn day (Sorry God) I try to always remember He/She is His child first....and He will take care of the situation. And then I say, "I've got to give them Grace because when I screw up, I'd like the same."

I believe He wants us to love one another, while going through our sin. While living in that icky place, just love one another.  It is so hard. I know. But I do believe it's worth it and their are rewards on the other end for you.  There is a lesson to be learned in everything we do and in everyone we come in contact with. Are you going to leave that person and have them think "She was rude" or "Wow, she was really kind" & I'm not saying I do this every time but I do strive for it.  I want people to feel His love coming through me, to them. So many people do not know Him, it's shocking really and so very sad because it's so easy. He is so easy. He will change your life and turn it upside down, all for the better.  You can never go wrong loving Him, the only man who will never fail you, or harm you.  The Man!

So now I'm wondering if my body knows I'm no longer crying tears of despair.  Now I'm crying tears of joy. After 8 long years, He is giving me my every heart's desire. My daughter is moving here to attend college and live with us. And I'm praying for my son to be next but will put it on God again, and just let Him take care of it. I trust Him to do whatever is best.
I feel so humbled. Humbled by God. Humbled by His love for me. He knows my heart, and He knows now I'm healthy and it's ok. 
I'm still crying almost every day but it's happy tears, tears for Him and letting Him know how thankful I am.
HA, I tried to pray out loud in our small group last week, and couldn't even get it out because I was overcome with tears.  Had I killed myself on all those occasions that I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to see His hand in my life, my kids' lives and my friends lives. I wouldn't have been able to witness to others about what He has done for me and how He can change even the worst of the worst, which I was and I know this.

His love is redeeming and He is my #1 now. His love for me is where my worth lies, and no where else.
Not in this failing body of mine, not in my husband's love for me, not in how long my hair is, how clear my skin is, what clothes I wear, what car I drive, what house I live in, who I vote for, or how much money I make - PLEASE HEAR ME WHEN I SAY - HE IS ALL THAT MATTERS IN THIS WORLD and HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH!

Do you need to be perfect to come to Him, to know Him? NO! Not even close.  I wasn't and no is, despite what they might tell you. He wants you just as you are and then He will work on you and change you from there. Just give Him a chance.

And if you need a friend, someone to listen to you, to hear your cares or worries, I'm your Gal. If you feel like you have no one or even if you have a ton of friends but feel as though you don't want to share with can share with me, just be warned now, I will probably tell you all about just how awesome He is and just how much He loves you because I never want you to feel like I did. I never want you to take your own life and think you have no worth, or that your family would be better off with you dead.  Those are all lies from the enemy and God would never think that way about His children.

He loves you so very much, despite all your sin! Let him wrap His arms around you, and find peace under the shadows of His wings. I did and you can, too. It's so easy. 

"He will cover you with his pinions, and under His wings you will find refuge; His Faithfulness is a shield and a buckler"

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Grown women can be bullies, too

Grown women can be bullies, too. Yes, they can.

Words hurt more if they are on the internet for everyone to read
Words hurt more if they are directed at you and your skills of being a Mom
Words hurt more if they are directed at your children and their character

Honestly, I’d rather have you physically beat me up – than throw words around. Words can hurt more than punches. Words can get stuck and embed themselves into your heart.

As my family and I have recently had to encounter a hurt person hurting us, I was appalled. Appalled at what this woman was saying about me and my daughter, and she’d never even met us. I was in such a state of shock the night I read the stuff, I had ZERO emotions – which if you know me, you know how weird that is for me to write out…ha-ha….me, no emotions? What the?

Then the next day the apologies come from said people; first to my husband who wouldn’t answer the calls because he didn’t know where this was all going, then to my daughter. I didn’t receive a call.  They didn’t even try to call me. So I reached out and left a message for said person that if they wanted to call me, here is my number. I mean, really, the things they said about me – awful, and I would never dream of saying that about someone else, let alone acting that way to another person’s child, in person or on the internet.

I’ve noticed this trend a lot in several Facebook groups that I’m on, and I’ve been paying attention to it more, even before this all happened.
I’ve noticed a lot of women saying, “So and so said such and such and that really hurt my feelings, blah, blah, blah” and I kept thinking to myself, “Get over it Lady, come on, you are grown, move on and ignore them,” and even though I now think the same about myself & I want to move on from it quickly – I can’t. I’m hurt and I hurt for my daughter because none of what they have said is truthful and she’s only 18. So you know, if you want to act a certain way to another adult that is one thing; however, if you start to hurt children…..well, who are you really? Yes, she’s now 18 but this all started when she was 17 and she IS a child, no she isn’t 10 years old but she’s still a sweet and kindhearted, Christian, young girl.

So I open my devotional for the day and I see this:

“When troubles threaten to drown me, loving Lord, reach down and save me. Deliver me from the floods. Rescue me from the fire. Remove me from the storm. Protect me from the violence. Pick me up and set me on a high place where I will be safe in Your presence. I know my Deliverer is coming.”

And, then I read Jesus Calling online and this:

“Rejoice in Me always. This is a moment-by-moment choice. It is possible to find Joy in Me even during the most difficult times. Because I am always near. I am constantly available to help you. I can even carry you through times of extreme adversity”

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again. Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.” Phillipians 4:4-5

Now, some might say, “Well is this REALLY extreme adversity for you?” Well, I say to you – does it even really matter what you think and if it is or not, that is for me to decide, not you! And yes, it is for me, it’s upsetting.

It’s a process. I have a process to go through, God takes me through the entire process – I come through the other end, always praising Him, thanking him and praying for those people….but again, it’s a process.

And, I’ve learned it’s a process for everyone.

So, maybe those people who hurt us so much are still going through their own process. Maybe they have even worse hurts that I have from my past.

I get to the end of the process.

I love those people and I pray for them. I pray for God to show them mercy in their sins, as I would want the same. I pray for them to be safe in their day, and I pray for their hurt to come undone and them to fall on their knees to God – as I have done in my own hurt. With tear stained faces, and knees that hurt from being down on the ground for so long – I pray for those people who hurt us, to get there. To get to the point of not being ok with hurting people and instead loving others… He has loved us and as I have CHOSE to love them.

You too can make that choice, it really is a choice.

I choose to love the same people who have hurt me.

I’m over it.

Evil one = ZERO
God  & Delinda = 1!

P.S. I'm taking a break from Facebook, this was just too much for me. I need to refocus my life on what is important. I'll be back later, I'm sure. 

Monday, May 23, 2016

I was afraid to go

I'm not going to lie.
I, was afraid to go. I was afraid to do it.
I had a ton of bad thoughts running through my head like, "What if my husband got shot and I witnessed it? What if my husband died somehow at the hands of someone else? What would I do if I saw someone else physically hurt someone? What if I saw things I couldn't handle? Would I lose it and start crying in front of everyone? Would I have a panic attack and everyone would witness it? Would everyone think I was crazy then?" 

Wait......they probably already think that, I'm good. 

All stupid thoughts and not from God, that's for sure...but we all know by now, this is how my mind works. I'm not happy about it and I sometimes I just have to "sit in it" if that makes sense? "Sit in it" and work through through it with Christ. It takes me a bit to process, I don't process on the fly like my husband mind doesn't work that way and I'm ok with it.

Just driving down to the Union Gospel mission was scary enough for me because I haven't been down there in a long time. There are a lot of homeless people in Seattle. A lot of people living in tents on the streets and under the freeways and we were passing by all of this getting to our parking spot. We found our spot and we had Tom and Kerri with us, thankfully, their presence helps to calm me.  Tom prayed for us all before leaving the car, and it calmed me. I felt like, "O.K., let's do this." We got to the Union Gospel Mission and there was a little bit of chaos going on, the police showed up in regards to something but not sure what that was all about. I actually liked their presence, they had guns. I felt safe when they were around as well.

So we had to go inside and watch a video, then fill out some release/liability and confidentiality forms. The guys working there were all really kind and seemed knowledgeable, which helped ease my mind as well. 
Jason gets me, he could see I was nervous and was putting my mind at ease just holding my hand.

This is the part of my anxiety I loathe. I am no longer on anti-anxiety medication, so I just have to learn to deal with this. I'm learning and I know I need to just be kind to myself. I won't be able to learn it though, unless I put myself in these situations.

So we get in the van and I ask Steve if we can just listen to Christian music because it calms me down, too. Thankfully, we heard "You're a good, good Father." I needed that, thank you Jesus!
My mind shifted. 
Just from that song and in an instant.
"God you always do this for me, thank you, thank you, thank you!"

I started thinking about the people in the van with us. I started thinking "We all have the same Father, it's like we are sisters and brothers" just doing Dad's work together.  Then my mind turned to the people on the streets and I thought, "They too are my sister and brothers and some of them may not even have any idea about how much Dad loves us. They need to know!"

I was ready now, let's GO!!

Our first stop was a motel in a not-so-good neighborhood. Our van pulls up and people just start coming toward the van.  Not too many people, maybe only 6....but the smaller the better, this eases me into it.  A few men, dressed as women - which looked to be prostitutes maybe? A married couple, a single man, and a single woman. Something I noticed about all of them? Their clothes, their smell, their hair?  No, their eyes. 

The sadness in their eyes. It took my breathe away.  I could feel their sadness. Why? I've been there.  I've been at the bottom. Maybe not like they are but still at the bottom of myself. They were NOT happy.  I had so many things inside me that I wanted to tell every single one of them but I just didn't know if there was an etiquette, per se, somethings I should or shouldn't do?  I didn't know....I do know now and next time it will be different. Next time I won't be afraid. I won't hold back and I will say anything and everything I want to say because it will be straight from God.
Do you even realize how much God loves you?
Do you even realize there is a way out of this?
He is the ONLY answer. He can take all of this away from you!
He loves you so very much. If He saved me and my husband, He will save you too!!
Those will be some of the things I say next time.  Next time, I will love on them, I will hug them and smile at them and talk to them.

  • "This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles." Psalm 34:6

Our next stop was a park. 
Not too many people at this one, so we didn't stay too long.

Then you read a couple weeks ago about Jason meeting Matthew, that was another stop. I saw Jason talking and loving on Matthew and I thought, "I want to be like Jason when I grow up."

We went to a park downtime by the water. We saw a 12 year old young girl out there, a bunch of young boys and many people coming to the van for hot chocolate, blankets, socks, snacks, water and sandwiches. So many people wanted peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, seemed like they were all asking for them.

Yum......I put myself in their shoes, I love them too and would prefer that sandwich over any other kind.
(Next time, Kerri and I decided, we are making the sandwiches and we are going to make 500 of them, and they are all going to be peanut butter and jelly!)

When we saw the 12 year old girl, I put myself in her shoes and remembered back to being 12 years old. How would I have felt out there by myself, no Mom and Dad, sisters and brothers around? That made me too sad and I had to stop thinking about that.

Then, on to the Apocalypse...or what felt like it anyway. The area we were in by day, is a shopping center and by night....young kids, high on drugs, drunk, causing fights, yelling at each other, walking around stoned out of their minds, to the point of not even knowing their own name.  This is the place that got me the worst but yet the best too, this is the place I want to go back to many times again, this is the place with the most children and I've always connected with kids, better than adults. It felt like the children were zombies, there was so much trash everywhere, I was shocked......I just stood back and took it all in. I kept thinking to myself, "These are someone's daughters and sons, nieces or nephews, siblings or friends" was so overwhelming to the point of being frozen, I really couldn't do anything.....I was so overwhelmed by it all. I talked to God and said, "Why are you allowing this to happen? You could come back right now and help all these kids....please, please come back NOW!"

God just kept whispering to me, "that's my baby girl right there, see her and there is my son" just little reminders to me, no judgement Delinda, only love for them.  I wanted to hug every single one of them, and ask them their story and why they were out time for that, no possibilities for that, I'm still frozen, but now I'm standing in awe of our friend Tom, Jason's mentor.  He's witnessing to a young man who is so stoned on heroin it's amazing he's still standing. Tom wasn't scared like I was earlier. Tom was putting his arm on the kid's shoulder and loving on him with words from our Dad. I thought, and said to Kerri, "I want to be like Tom when I grow up."

When I say, "I want to be like so and so when I grow up" this makes me think of what my Mom used to always tell me, of course she meant it in a different context but still applies here, too.  "Watch what the people around you are doing, what they are doing, you will be doing - so make sure they are doing good things." So pick good people to be with and share your life with, they will teach you so many things!

So it's taken me this long to calm down, and collect my thoughts to write about it. That is how overwhelming it was to me.

So, what did we take away from this experience?
Well, we want to do it again, soon & if you want to come along, just let me know. You won't be disappointed and I'm sure God will teach you or show you something.
We are making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!
We are all one big family and we need to just love one another, right where we are, whether we are in our sin or not - just love each other and love each other truthfully....just how Jesus did. 
These are my people, the people in the van and the people on the streets & they are your people too, whether you want to believe it or not.
I won't be afraid again, Dad is with us and He protects us at all times....I'm good with Him alone.
Doing Dad's work really is amazing, He was so right.

"If there is a poor man among your brothers in any of the towns of the land that the LORD your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward your poor brother." Deuteronomy 15:7