God is no dummy.......

This week of work has been exhausting to say the least; 20 hours of overtime and I'm spent. As I've said before when I get tired, things don't normally go too well.....emotionally.  So I've been talking to myself about some past decisions I've made in regards to being a Mother.  Some choices I'm not happy with or proud of.....somethings I did, I wish I wouldn't have.  Battling per se with myself, over these decisions.  Pretty much hating on myself and not behaving how God would want me to. I know He would want me to just love myself and remember He died for those sins. He shed His blood for those exact sins. I kinda just forgot all that.

I've known this last year with me getting so sick with my thyroid removal and then getting mono, the job I currently hold is physically difficult due to the extreme stress and the mandatory overtime. I struggle with it as well because I actually LOVE my work, and I mean I love it....it's just really demanding. So I say, "God, do you really want me doing THIS job the rest of my life? How long can my body handle this? Is this YOUR work, I mean really? How can people see your love when I'm behind the scenes doing paperwork? How God?" 

Me: waiting for His answer....no reply.

My husband and I are taking a class right now titled, "How we love" and it's also brought to my mind many of my past mistakes as a Mother and got me to thinking "Just how bad have I screwed up my children with these mistakes? OH God, why didn't you stop me, why didn't you come down and scold me? Why? Why? Why? Where were you God?" 

Oh I was mad, going back and forth with myself - no answer, all week from Him. I was waiting, and listening, I knew He'd give me something. I just did not realize how much He would give me and give it to me so fast and in one night, 3 hours. I'll get to that a bit later.

I have heard from many dear friends this week that are in a "bad way" by that I mean they are struggling with depression, addiction, their kids' addiction or as one of my friends calls it , "Consequences for their actions" which I too have to deal with, I get it when she puts it so plainly like that and I appreciate it and her. Thank you Kerri! I love you and your honesty!  So hearing from these friends about all their strife got me thinking and realizing just how badly people need Jesus and I just wish I could tell them, all of them, all at once how easy it is to overcome things with Him. He will heal you. He's done it many times, I've seen it.  So this has been on my mind all week, almost everyday something new came up and it was pretty overwhelming asking God, "When will they notice you? When will they see you and your light?" No answer still, me still waiting....

But God is no dummy.

He knows me better than anyone. He knows my heart and I take comfort in that fact alone. He knows I’m not what others might think of me, or what I even think of myself at times.

He keeps putting me in these situations, showing me things and healing my heart. He also knows full well, I will feel compelled to tell you about the healing, His story & His love.

He knows I want you to feel His love like I have.

He knows. And because He knows me so well, at times, I will cry over this simple fact. It’s so overwhelming. It’s so amazing to me.

Have you heard the story in the bible about the woman at the well?  I know I have heard it before but you know sometimes, I have to hear His stories more than one time for them to really sink in.

I am THAT woman at the well and you are too!

No, I haven’t been married 5 times; however, being divorced once is enough for me and was NEVER my plan going into that marriage. I thought it was forever. That was MY plan.  Sometimes our plans don’t always go how we wish for them. Sometimes, our plans fail. Sometimes we fail. And for me, when I failed at my marriage I took all the force of the blow. I put it all on myself, my sins, my mistakes, my “could-a, should-a, would-a’s”….over and over and the chatter went on in my head daily like that.

In "Jesus" times, Samaritans didn't talk with the Jews. And she was a woman, and in "Jesus" times, men didn't really talk to women at all. Did you know women could not initiate the divorce? Did you know it was the man who was allowed to divorce? So this woman who was divorced 5 times and living with a man who wasn't even her husband, JESUS CAME TO HER?  HE PICKED HER!!!! She was shocked. 

The Samaritan woman said to him, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans)

Jesus came to her. Not a man. He came to her and talked with her, telling her if she would ask Him for His living water, she would never be thirsty again. He told her about her life and she was shocked He knew but then realized He was a prophet. He told her "I am" the Messiah. She ran telling everyone about Him.

I am that woman at the well. Ashamed of my sins, I drank His living water and now I'm running to tell you all what He's done for me and despite your sins, you can have His living water too! It's so simple.....you just drink.

So since God knows me so well, He knows He can reach me through music. Oh and He gets me on Thursday night at the Amy Grant, Ellie Holcomb, Nichole Nordeman concert...I had NO idea this was coming. It was kinda random for me to get the tickets, really, but not random for Him and how He works in my life. I bought those tickets about a month ago and He knew what was coming, that's why He did it...... 

Nichole Nordeman starts singing a song about her children growing up too fast. And I start that damn chatter in my head all over again....

Delinda, you have missed out on so much.

Delinda, you are NOT a good Mom.

Delinda, I cannot even believe you.

Delinda, you call yourself a Mother, well a good Mom wouldn't have done what you did!

Delinda, where were you when they needed you?

He interrupts my thought pattern with:

"It's no longer about you Delinda, it's about me. I was with them. I am! I took care of them. I was getting you healthy. You are still a part of their lives daily, just like I am in yours daily. You don't physically see me but you know I'm here and I'm always here for you. They know this about you as well. They love you Delinda. They have forgiven you as I have too. I shed my blood for your sins and it's time to just let them go because I need YOU to do my work now instead of falling back on these sins."

Tears

Many, many, many tears and I couldn't stop them.

I'm watching those women sing about His love and I know the songs, I'm singing along, bawling..HA...looking like a fool I'm sure but I didn't care because I knew He was healing me. He was present and it was so obvious.

Then I think, "Jesus I wish I could sing like these women and sing about your love to everyone, so I could touch someone's life the way they touch someone with their music. I wish I could reach people like they are, for you God, all for you!"

He interrupts me again, 

"I give you words Delinda, you write about Me! That's what I want you to do."

More songs

More tears

My husband looks at me, "Why are you crying honey?" 

I couldn't even put it to words, I just knew I had to write about it to convey it properly.

I felt that night, the same way I felt when we were saved February 23rd, 2014. 

I was reminded of His love and how His love is all that matters. My sins no longer matter as I've repented and made amends. I've given them up again. Gone.

Healed by the living water I drank so easily when I was at the bottom of myself. Oh that water, it's cold and refreshing and I will keep drinking it.

Are you listening? Do you hear Him? He's running toward you and wants a relationship with you and it will be the best relationship you've ever had. He is the BEST husband a girl could ask for and the only one who will never fail you.

Do you know how loved you are?

1 John 4:4New International Version (NIV)

4 You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.

I am happy now

I am happy now. 

My husband didn't make me this happy.

My kids didn't make me this happy. 

My family didn't make me this happy.

My job didn't make me this happy.

My car doesn't make me this happy.

My house doesn't make me this happy.

My money will never make me this happy.

I know many people have said, “If you need to tell people just how happy you are, are you just trying to convince yourself of that?” No, I’m not….I’m telling you, so you can be happy too! And when I write about His love, it does something inside me, every single time. It’s as if I can feel the Holy Spirit reminding me of His love for me….every single time, I cry and I release a little bit more hurt…..like now.

Sure I’m tired, I work a lot outside of the home, I wish I was with my husband, our kids and my furry babies more than I get to be, I’m not the healthiest person, I wish I could dead-lift more than 175 pounds, I wish I could bench more than 145 pounds and squat more than 165 pounds, I wish I could compete in a power-lifting contest today and WIN….….but if I put my worth in my body and what my *OWN* body can, will or won’t do….then what happens when my body breaks? What happens when I can no longer lift weights at all? It’s how I felt, or similar at least, when I was no longer the 24/7 parent of my two precious babies….the ones I longed for before they were even born.

You wanna talk about being kicked in the stomach, or being down….just have your kids taken from you, I thought I’d never recover. In fact, I wanted to die on many days and when I say “many” that’s still too few for you to understand I’m sure. It was the ONLY thing on my mind for so many years. The mistakes I made to get to where I was or the path I took, or didn’t take to get to where I currently was. I said to myself on many days, “If only……”

Then He shined His light brighter and I finally noticed….all along He was there, waiting on me, waiting on me to repent for my sins, not what someone else had done or not done to me….my mistakes, to own up to them and to no longer be “the victim”.

One of my closest friends in Christ always talks about “the renewing of your mind” and I never really understood what she meant until recently when I came upon this song by Amy Grant, it “hit” me and it “hit” me hard…..my mind is renewed and being renewed daily when I stay in His word and close to Him and His love for me. And when I'm in His community of people who will help show me the way.

You are basically going to find what you are looking for, whatever that might be.

"What would they find if they uncovered all of my tracks?
Of roads I’ve snuck down in darkness and never turned back

Well they’d find what they are looking for, secrets and so much more.

What would they find if they searched for a heart of gold?

They’d find sacrifices of time and of money never told

Yeah they’d find what they’re looking for, kindness and so much more

Cause there’s so much good in the worst of us, so much bad in the best of us and it never makes sense for any of us to criticize the rest of us.

We’ll just find what we are looking for; we’ll find it and so much more.

What would I find if I turned back the time on your face?

Could I piece together the memories that have made you this way?

I might find what I’m looking for, understanding and so much more

And haven’t we all learned the best life lessons of falling down and falling down hard, if we are looking for somebody’s failures we won’t have to look very far.

You are going to find what you are looking for".

So what are you looking for? Are you looking at your past mistakes, are you looking at your neighbor’s past mistakes?

Or, are you looking for the best in people? Are you looking at how others love each other? Are you looking at how YOU (not your neighbor) could change things around you?

I know how I used to feel. I know all I used to talk about was what had been done to me, or taken from me, or how awful that person’s actions were, or even my own….I’ve lived with that guilt and shame for a very, very long time……it started at a very young age for me.

I don’t want to live there anymore.  I am not the victim. I am not what someone else has done to me or taken from me.

I don’t even really like to think about the past or talk about it but sometimes we have to go there, to realize just how far we’ve come.

My mind has been renewed and renewed in Christ. He’s shown me my worth is in HIS love for me……nothing more.

He can and will do the same for you. If He has done it for me, He will do it for you.  You are His beloved and He is obsessed with you. He is what you are longing for when you say you are lonely, or need someone physical to be there to help you. He is that. He always will be that and the sooner you realize, the better off you'll be. You will only feel complete once He has done a work in your heart. You'll be a changed person. Will you be perfect? Never. Will you still struggle? Yes. But with Him, it won't be so bad......trust Him. Fall into love with Him. Give it all to Him.  He's waiting for you.

You are so worth it.

You are so loved.