This week of work has been exhausting to say the least; 20 hours of overtime and I'm spent. As I've said before when I get tired, things don't normally go too well.....emotionally. So I've been talking to myself about some past decisions I've made in regards to being a Mother. Some choices I'm not happy with or proud of.....somethings I did, I wish I wouldn't have. Battling per se with myself, over these decisions. Pretty much hating on myself and not behaving how God would want me to. I know He would want me to just love myself and remember He died for those sins. He shed His blood for those exact sins. I kinda just forgot all that.
I've known this last year with me getting so sick with my thyroid removal and then getting mono, the job I currently hold is physically difficult due to the extreme stress and the mandatory overtime. I struggle with it as well because I actually LOVE my work, and I mean I love it....it's just really demanding. So I say, "God, do you really want me doing THIS job the rest of my life? How long can my body handle this? Is this YOUR work, I mean really? How can people see your love when I'm behind the scenes doing paperwork? How God?"
Me: waiting for His answer....no reply.
My husband and I are taking a class right now titled, "How we love" and it's also brought to my mind many of my past mistakes as a Mother and got me to thinking "Just how bad have I screwed up my children with these mistakes? OH God, why didn't you stop me, why didn't you come down and scold me? Why? Why? Why? Where were you God?"
Oh I was mad, going back and forth with myself - no answer, all week from Him. I was waiting, and listening, I knew He'd give me something. I just did not realize how much He would give me and give it to me so fast and in one night, 3 hours. I'll get to that a bit later.
I have heard from many dear friends this week that are in a "bad way" by that I mean they are struggling with depression, addiction, their kids' addiction or as one of my friends calls it , "Consequences for their actions" which I too have to deal with, I get it when she puts it so plainly like that and I appreciate it and her. Thank you Kerri! I love you and your honesty! So hearing from these friends about all their strife got me thinking and realizing just how badly people need Jesus and I just wish I could tell them, all of them, all at once how easy it is to overcome things with Him. He will heal you. He's done it many times, I've seen it. So this has been on my mind all week, almost everyday something new came up and it was pretty overwhelming asking God, "When will they notice you? When will they see you and your light?" No answer still, me still waiting....
But God is no dummy.
He knows me better than anyone. He knows my heart and I take comfort in that fact alone. He knows I’m not what others might think of me, or what I even think of myself at times.
He keeps putting me in these situations, showing me things and healing my heart. He also knows full well, I will feel compelled to tell you about the healing, His story & His love.
He knows I want you to feel His love like I have.
He knows. And because He knows me so well, at times, I will cry over this simple fact. It’s so overwhelming. It’s so amazing to me.
Have you heard the story in the bible about the woman at the well? I know I have heard it before but you know sometimes, I have to hear His stories more than one time for them to really sink in.
I am THAT woman at the well and you are too!
No, I haven’t been married 5 times; however, being divorced once is enough for me and was NEVER my plan going into that marriage. I thought it was forever. That was MY plan. Sometimes our plans don’t always go how we wish for them. Sometimes, our plans fail. Sometimes we fail. And for me, when I failed at my marriage I took all the force of the blow. I put it all on myself, my sins, my mistakes, my “could-a, should-a, would-a’s”….over and over and the chatter went on in my head daily like that.
In "Jesus" times, Samaritans didn't talk with the Jews. And she was a woman, and in "Jesus" times, men didn't really talk to women at all. Did you know women could not initiate the divorce? Did you know it was the man who was allowed to divorce? So this woman who was divorced 5 times and living with a man who wasn't even her husband, JESUS CAME TO HER? HE PICKED HER!!!! She was shocked.
The Samaritan woman said to him, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans)
Jesus came to her. Not a man. He came to her and talked with her, telling her if she would ask Him for His living water, she would never be thirsty again. He told her about her life and she was shocked He knew but then realized He was a prophet. He told her "I am" the Messiah. She ran telling everyone about Him.
I am that woman at the well. Ashamed of my sins, I drank His living water and now I'm running to tell you all what He's done for me and despite your sins, you can have His living water too! It's so simple.....you just drink.
So since God knows me so well, He knows He can reach me through music. Oh and He gets me on Thursday night at the Amy Grant, Ellie Holcomb, Nichole Nordeman concert...I had NO idea this was coming. It was kinda random for me to get the tickets, really, but not random for Him and how He works in my life. I bought those tickets about a month ago and He knew what was coming, that's why He did it......
Nichole Nordeman starts singing a song about her children growing up too fast. And I start that damn chatter in my head all over again....
Delinda, you have missed out on so much.
Delinda, you are NOT a good Mom.
Delinda, I cannot even believe you.
Delinda, you call yourself a Mother, well a good Mom wouldn't have done what you did!
Delinda, where were you when they needed you?
He interrupts my thought pattern with:
"It's no longer about you Delinda, it's about me. I was with them. I am! I took care of them. I was getting you healthy. You are still a part of their lives daily, just like I am in yours daily. You don't physically see me but you know I'm here and I'm always here for you. They know this about you as well. They love you Delinda. They have forgiven you as I have too. I shed my blood for your sins and it's time to just let them go because I need YOU to do my work now instead of falling back on these sins."
Many, many, many tears and I couldn't stop them.
I'm watching those women sing about His love and I know the songs, I'm singing along, bawling..HA...looking like a fool I'm sure but I didn't care because I knew He was healing me. He was present and it was so obvious.
Then I think, "Jesus I wish I could sing like these women and sing about your love to everyone, so I could touch someone's life the way they touch someone with their music. I wish I could reach people like they are, for you God, all for you!"
He interrupts me again,
"I give you words Delinda, you write about Me! That's what I want you to do."
My husband looks at me, "Why are you crying honey?"
I couldn't even put it to words, I just knew I had to write about it to convey it properly.
I felt that night, the same way I felt when we were saved February 23rd, 2014.
I was reminded of His love and how His love is all that matters. My sins no longer matter as I've repented and made amends. I've given them up again. Gone.
Healed by the living water I drank so easily when I was at the bottom of myself. Oh that water, it's cold and refreshing and I will keep drinking it.
Are you listening? Do you hear Him? He's running toward you and wants a relationship with you and it will be the best relationship you've ever had. He is the BEST husband a girl could ask for and the only one who will never fail you.
Do you know how loved you are?