Tuesday, August 4, 2015

I don’t claim to know a lot about much

I don’t claim to know a lot about much.
Unfortunately, I do know a lot about depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I do know how it feels to go through something you think will never end. I do know the actual physical pain of depression, which so many do not understand. I guess it holds true you don’t know until you’ve been through it and even then, everyone handles it differently.
I’m not sure which came first, my depression or my thyroid problems but I do know the mix of them have made me gain an enormous amount of unwanted weight. I say “unwanted” because I know in the future when I’m building muscle back up, I will want the weight but for now we can say this weight is unwanted.
In the last few months, I’ve started back to free weights. I’ve started following a bunch of female weight lifters on Instagram and Facebook. I’ve joined a few groups where I’ve met women who have already helped me along the way and some of the women I draw inspiration from. These women are encouraging to each other, not tearing each other down, not mean to each other or calling each other names. They are kind, patient and very helpful. I’m not sure they realize it but they have inspired me just by seeing their before and after pictures.  I’m amazed at what our bodies can and will do, if we work hard and continue to put one foot in front of the other.
So today, I opened Facebook to see one of these women in fitness, lost her journey to mental illness. Her name is Kira Martin and she had a brush with death when she delivered her 5th child. Her story is amazing.
You can see her story of recovery at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBmwB-s9RYg
Needless to say, I was sad all morning. I’ve been thinking:
“OK Satan, when will YOU get to ME?”
“She is one strong woman, if you got her; you’ll probably end up getting me one day as well!”
“When am I going to give in?”
“Just how much longer can I live with this illness, God?”
“Am I going to be one of them that just can’t take it anymore?”
It seems at some point, many lose their battle.
As quickly as all those bad thoughts come to my mind, I am then reminded of the sermon at church over the weekend and the verse in Mark 9:23-24. The verse about the boy who was taken over, and he says to the boy’s father; “Everything is possible for one who believes.”
See how God saved me going deeper into the depression, this time around? He reminded me to think of this weekend and what I learned and what God showed me. He reminded me to focus on Him and His love for me, only! Let the rest fall by the wayside…..and give it all to Him. He will take care of it all.
No one has the final say over my life, but Christ and Christ alone! Just because the adversary tries to take my thoughts, and tries to tear me down with all these negative thoughts, bad memories or flashbacks of some pretty awful events – Christ brings me back to His love for me. Who I am in Him is all that matters to me. My identity I placed in too many other things and too many other people early on in my life, and I know now what a huge mistake it was. I was a wife, I was a full time, awesome Mother, I was an awesome friend to so many, I was a loved daughter by my family of origin…I “was” so many things.  Then the fall from my sin came and I lost it all.
Very fast.
Too fast for me to comprehend.
Too fast for me to “deal” with, which then in turn increased the volume on the depression and suicidal thoughts; I was in Satan’s grip, he had me, I could feel it and he is such a little weasel. I cannot stand him!
Satan will never consume my thoughts again because I know I have the Defender of My Soul by my side every single darn day. I can call out to the Holy Spirit for help and I know He will beat these demons down and He will do it well, just to help me, His beloved daughter whom He loves so much. No matter if I’m a friend, wife or mother the way others think I should be or shouldn’t be….none of it matters and it never will again, to me. After all these thoughts were circling in my head, I went to my daily devotional….. and I opened my Jesus Calling for the day, I could hear Him saying this directly to me
August 4, 2015
HOLD MY HAND, and walk joyously with Me through this day. Together we will savor the pleasures and endure the difficulties it brings. Be on the lookout for everything I have prepared for you: stunning scenery, bracing winds of adventure, cozy nooks for resting when you are weary, and much more. I am your Guide, as well as your constant Companion. I know every step of the journey ahead of you, all the way to Heaven.
You don’t have to choose between staying close to Me and staying on course. Since I am the Way, staying close to me is staying on course. As you focus your thoughts on Me, I will guide you carefully along today’s journey. Don’t worry about what is around the next bend. Just concentrate on enjoying My presence and staying in step with me.
John 14:6; Colossians 4:2

I do know a lot about being at the bottom of yourself and then coming back out of it with the help of no one else other than Christ. I do know He can and will do the same for you; if you call on Him. He will pull you out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He will set your feet on solid ground and steady you as you walk along. Psalms 40:2 NLT
The only thing you need to do – let Him in. It’s so very simple and you’ll never regret it.
I hope you realize just how much you are loved, no matter what the world might think of you.
You were His first and you will be His forever!
He has the final word on your life!

Side Note: Please don't think I am saying if you are a Christian your life will be easy and this type of thing wouldn't happen. I am not saying Christians never commit suicide because that isn't the truth. It happens and it could happen to any one of us. I'm saying I personally will never be in that place again - as long as I stay on course. As long as I remind myself daily of the truth; walk in the truth and read the truth. I'm saying MY relationship with Christ is what has kept me from committing suicide.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

I want people to know, there is Hope.

I remember the day I fell in love with Him.  It was the day He took all my suicidal thoughts from me, all of them. He replaced it with the knowledge of just how much He loves me. He told me I am His Beloved and I will be forever and always. He told me He will be the Only One who will never leave my side. He told me He is always with me, I just need to whisper His name and He is there. He told me His angels will protect me everyday of my life and I should fear nothing.

My husband would have lost his Wife.
Our kids would have lost their Mother.
My sister would have lost her sister and best friend.
My brother would have lost his sister.
My mother would have lost her daughter.
My in-laws would have lost their daughter-in-law.
My nieces and nephews would have lost an Auntie.
My friends would have lost a friend.

No medication, alcohol or drugs, exercise, counselor, human being, or self-help books could have done this.
This was all the Holy Spirit telling me just who I am to Him and just how sad He would be if I took my own life. The life He had planned for me before my parents had planned to have me.

This really resonated with me when Robin Williams took his own life and I've thought about it everyday.  All the sadness everyone felt, the hole people have in their heart now he is gone, the people he changed because he changed his course of life. This could have been what happened in my case (of course not to this extreme but you understand where I'm going). The point is when you are having suicidal thoughts, or are in your depression, you don't think of others, it just isn't possible.  You think of ways to get away from the pain.  I understand this doesn't help anyone but when you are in the dark, black, deep hole....you are in pain, you feel desperate and you want the pain to stop, I just didn't know how to make it happen. I did know, if I killed myself the pain would stop. I wouldn't feel it anymore. No, I personally do not believe suicide is a selfish act. I believe the people who take their own lives just want the pain to stop.  That's it....please make it stop! It's a sickness like any other sickness. I also believe God is with them in the last moment of their life, He is right there.  It isn't my place to say what happens after, it is only for God to decide. When I hear of someone who has taken their life, I pray for them and then I whisper "Thank you Jesus, thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm forever yours!" It could have been me, so easily. "There but for the grace of God go I" 

Yes, I was in the deep, dark, hole where I was barely hanging onto the edge.....where I felt and said "Just one more thing God, I can't deal with it, please just take it all away, please take my life tonight so I don't have to do it myself".

Then I surrendered to Him. I let my fingers slip and I fell deep into His love for me.  I fell into His love story He wrote just for me. I started seeing and feeling differently. Everyday, I felt it lift a little more than the day before.

My life is forever changed and for the better.

I am forever thankful to Him.

Most importantly I am loved.

If you too feel this way, I want you to know there is Hope.  There is a way out!