Tuesday, August 4, 2015

I don’t claim to know a lot about much

I don’t claim to know a lot about much.
Unfortunately, I do know a lot about depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I do know how it feels to go through something you think will never end. I do know the actual physical pain of depression, which so many do not understand. I guess it holds true you don’t know until you’ve been through it and even then, everyone handles it differently.
I’m not sure which came first, my depression or my thyroid problems but I do know the mix of them have made me gain an enormous amount of unwanted weight. I say “unwanted” because I know in the future when I’m building muscle back up, I will want the weight but for now we can say this weight is unwanted.
In the last few months, I’ve started back to free weights. I’ve started following a bunch of female weight lifters on Instagram and Facebook. I’ve joined a few groups where I’ve met women who have already helped me along the way and some of the women I draw inspiration from. These women are encouraging to each other, not tearing each other down, not mean to each other or calling each other names. They are kind, patient and very helpful. I’m not sure they realize it but they have inspired me just by seeing their before and after pictures.  I’m amazed at what our bodies can and will do, if we work hard and continue to put one foot in front of the other.
So today, I opened Facebook to see one of these women in fitness, lost her journey to mental illness. Her name is Kira Martin and she had a brush with death when she delivered her 5th child. Her story is amazing.
You can see her story of recovery at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBmwB-s9RYg
Needless to say, I was sad all morning. I’ve been thinking:
“OK Satan, when will YOU get to ME?”
“She is one strong woman, if you got her; you’ll probably end up getting me one day as well!”
“When am I going to give in?”
“Just how much longer can I live with this illness, God?”
“Am I going to be one of them that just can’t take it anymore?”
It seems at some point, many lose their battle.
As quickly as all those bad thoughts come to my mind, I am then reminded of the sermon at church over the weekend and the verse in Mark 9:23-24. The verse about the boy who was taken over, and he says to the boy’s father; “Everything is possible for one who believes.”
See how God saved me going deeper into the depression, this time around? He reminded me to think of this weekend and what I learned and what God showed me. He reminded me to focus on Him and His love for me, only! Let the rest fall by the wayside…..and give it all to Him. He will take care of it all.
No one has the final say over my life, but Christ and Christ alone! Just because the adversary tries to take my thoughts, and tries to tear me down with all these negative thoughts, bad memories or flashbacks of some pretty awful events – Christ brings me back to His love for me. Who I am in Him is all that matters to me. My identity I placed in too many other things and too many other people early on in my life, and I know now what a huge mistake it was. I was a wife, I was a full time, awesome Mother, I was an awesome friend to so many, I was a loved daughter by my family of origin…I “was” so many things.  Then the fall from my sin came and I lost it all.
Very fast.
Too fast for me to comprehend.
Too fast for me to “deal” with, which then in turn increased the volume on the depression and suicidal thoughts; I was in Satan’s grip, he had me, I could feel it and he is such a little weasel. I cannot stand him!
Satan will never consume my thoughts again because I know I have the Defender of My Soul by my side every single darn day. I can call out to the Holy Spirit for help and I know He will beat these demons down and He will do it well, just to help me, His beloved daughter whom He loves so much. No matter if I’m a friend, wife or mother the way others think I should be or shouldn’t be….none of it matters and it never will again, to me. After all these thoughts were circling in my head, I went to my daily devotional….. and I opened my Jesus Calling for the day, I could hear Him saying this directly to me
August 4, 2015
HOLD MY HAND, and walk joyously with Me through this day. Together we will savor the pleasures and endure the difficulties it brings. Be on the lookout for everything I have prepared for you: stunning scenery, bracing winds of adventure, cozy nooks for resting when you are weary, and much more. I am your Guide, as well as your constant Companion. I know every step of the journey ahead of you, all the way to Heaven.
You don’t have to choose between staying close to Me and staying on course. Since I am the Way, staying close to me is staying on course. As you focus your thoughts on Me, I will guide you carefully along today’s journey. Don’t worry about what is around the next bend. Just concentrate on enjoying My presence and staying in step with me.
John 14:6; Colossians 4:2

I do know a lot about being at the bottom of yourself and then coming back out of it with the help of no one else other than Christ. I do know He can and will do the same for you; if you call on Him. He will pull you out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He will set your feet on solid ground and steady you as you walk along. Psalms 40:2 NLT
The only thing you need to do – let Him in. It’s so very simple and you’ll never regret it.
I hope you realize just how much you are loved, no matter what the world might think of you.
You were His first and you will be His forever!
He has the final word on your life!

Side Note: Please don't think I am saying if you are a Christian your life will be easy and this type of thing wouldn't happen. I am not saying Christians never commit suicide because that isn't the truth. It happens and it could happen to any one of us. I'm saying I personally will never be in that place again - as long as I stay on course. As long as I remind myself daily of the truth; walk in the truth and read the truth. I'm saying MY relationship with Christ is what has kept me from committing suicide.