8 years ago

Do you think our bodies know the reason for our tears? By that I mean, if I'm crying because I'm heartbroken, or if I'm crying because I'm happy?

I believe my body knows.

From 2008 to 2014, I cried everyday.  I cried so much, I made myself sick, on many occasions.  I cried for what I lost. I lost my identity, my children, my love for myself, my marriage, my friends, and many family members. I honestly believe I cried so much I gave myself these auto-immune conditions I now suffer from.....

Is it the truth, did I really cause all these medical conditions?  I'm not sure but it feels like "my truth" to me because of how I felt for all those years. It was awful, desperate and like I've said many times...at the bottom of myself. I am not sure others can understand the depths of those feelings, unless you've lived it yourself and that is why I try to explain it to as many people as possible.

I no longer cared about anything in my life. I put on a fake smile, so people would like me because who wants to be around a depressed person? No one! I kept it all inside. I rarely told anyone my children didn't live with me. I was so ashamed of my sin. I was certain others would think I had done drugs, or was an alcoholic and that was why my kids didn't live with me...which was far from the truth. I don't drink and I don't do drugs. We don't even have alcohol in our house.  I hate the taste of it and in the past if I ever did drink, I would fall asleep and that's no fun! 

Whenever I would come across another woman who didn't live with her children, we would instantly bond & I have remained very close with a few of them.  It's not normal for a Mom to not live with her children and it hurts deep and cuts to the core.  I felt like they had died, a part of me did die. I always felt like God made me specifically to be a Mom. I cherished every moment with them and I still do. I don't take them for granted, and I never have. They don't get on my nerves and I never get too much of them, even when we lived together.....I felt blessed being their Mom and I still feel blessed to be their Mom. And I have found, despite the miles between us - it doesn't matter.  WE are still in each other's lives - fully and daily, aware of what is going on and always texting, talking or messaging. I'm still their Mom!

I knew God before all of this happened but I never really met Jesus or the Holy Spirit. I never really understood Grace. I never really felt His love until I was at the bottom of myself.

When I found Him. I changed. My entire life changed. My beliefs changed. All of them, political beliefs, beliefs about abortion, beliefs about what was important and not, beliefs about love, beliefs about loving others....you name it, it changed in my life, once I met Him and learned about Grace. My beliefs about addicts, people who cheated on their spouses, liars, homeless, affluent people, poor people....all of it, did a 180 pretty much overnight - which tells me that it was all God's doing. Not my own, for sure, I'm not that good but He is!

The truth is all of us women are the woman at the well. We all are. Whether we share our sins with one another or not, we all have them.  Now, I've only been saved a couple years but I don't believe God measures sin (maybe I'm wrong and I'll learn later but I did ask my smart friend who knows the bible much better than I do).

So, do you measure other's by their sin? Do you look at her and say, "Well, she did this or that, so she's awful and I cannot be around her" Or do you say, "Well, he's a liar and a cheater so he's an awful person." Or do you look at yourself and say, "I sin. My sin is between me and God, no one else. I won't judge others by how they sin because I don't want others to do that to me."

That is what I do.  I'm curious what other people do. Not that it matters at all because I won't judge. I just want you to be aware of what you say in your head about other people because you can form an opinion about them, and then it doesn't really give them a chance, does it? When people tick me off (because of little silly things, usually with work related stuff), almost every darn day (Sorry God) I try to always remember He/She is His child first....and He will take care of the situation. And then I say, "I've got to give them Grace because when I screw up, I'd like the same."

I believe He wants us to love one another, while going through our sin. While living in that icky place, just love one another.  It is so hard. I know. But I do believe it's worth it and their are rewards on the other end for you.  There is a lesson to be learned in everything we do and in everyone we come in contact with. Are you going to leave that person and have them think "She was rude" or "Wow, she was really kind" & I'm not saying I do this every time but I do strive for it.  I want people to feel His love coming through me, to them. So many people do not know Him, it's shocking really and so very sad because it's so easy. He is so easy. He will change your life and turn it upside down, all for the better.  You can never go wrong loving Him, the only man who will never fail you, or harm you.  The Man!

So now I'm wondering if my body knows I'm no longer crying tears of despair.  Now I'm crying tears of joy. After 8 long years, He is giving me my every heart's desire. My daughter is moving here to attend college and live with us. And I'm praying for my son to be next but will put it on God again, and just let Him take care of it. I trust Him to do whatever is best.

I feel so humbled. Humbled by God. Humbled by His love for me. He knows my heart, and He knows now I'm healthy and it's ok. 

I'm still crying almost every day but it's happy tears, tears for Him and letting Him know how thankful I am.

HA, I tried to pray out loud in our small group last week, and couldn't even get it out because I was overcome with tears.  Had I killed myself on all those occasions that I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to see His hand in my life, my kids' lives and my friends lives. I wouldn't have been able to witness to others about what He has done for me and how He can change even the worst of the worst, which I was and I know this.

His love is redeeming and He is my #1 now. His love for me is where my worth lies, and no where else.

Not in this failing body of mine, not in my husband's love for me, not in how long my hair is, how clear my skin is, what clothes I wear, what car I drive, what house I live in, who I vote for, or how much money I make - PLEASE HEAR ME WHEN I SAY - HE IS ALL THAT MATTERS IN THIS WORLD and HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH!

Do you need to be perfect to come to Him, to know Him? NO! Not even close.  I wasn't and no is, despite what they might tell you. He wants you just as you are and then He will work on you and change you from there. Just give Him a chance.

And if you need a friend, someone to listen to you, to hear your cares or worries, I'm your Gal. If you feel like you have no one or even if you have a ton of friends but feel as though you don't want to share with them.......you can share with me, just be warned now, I will probably tell you all about just how awesome He is and just how much He loves you because I never want you to feel like I did. I never want you to take your own life and think you have no worth, or that your family would be better off with you dead.  Those are all lies from the enemy and God would never think that way about His children.

He loves you so very much, despite all your sin! Let him wrap His arms around you, and find peace under the shadows of His wings. I did and you can, too. It's so easy. 

PSALMS 91:4 ESV

"He will cover you with his pinions, and under His wings you will find refuge; His Faithfulness is a shield and a buckler"

Grown women can be bullies, too

Grown women can be bullies, too. Yes, they can.

And, WORDS HURT

Words hurt more if they are on the internet for everyone to read

Words hurt more if they are directed at you and your skills of being a Mom

Words hurt more if they are directed at your children and their character

Honestly, I’d rather have you physically beat me up – than throw words around. Words can hurt more than punches. Words can get stuck and embed themselves into your heart.

As my family and I have recently had to encounter a hurt person hurting us, I was appalled. Appalled at what this woman was saying about me and my daughter, and she’d never even met us. I was in such a state of shock the night I read the stuff, I had ZERO emotions – which if you know me, you know how weird that is for me to write out…ha-ha….me, no emotions? What the?

Then the next day the apologies come from said people; first to my husband who wouldn’t answer the calls because he didn’t know where this was all going, then to my daughter. I didn’t receive a call.  They didn’t even try to call me. So I reached out and left a message for said person that if they wanted to call me, here is my number. I mean, really, the things they said about me – awful, and I would never dream of saying that about someone else, let alone acting that way to another person’s child, in person or on the internet.

I’ve noticed this trend a lot in several Facebook groups that I’m on, and I’ve been paying attention to it more, even before this all happened.

I’ve noticed a lot of women saying, “So and so said such and such and that really hurt my feelings, blah, blah, blah” and I kept thinking to myself, “Get over it Lady, come on, you are grown, move on and ignore them,” and even though I now think the same about myself & I want to move on from it quickly – I can’t. I’m hurt and I hurt for my daughter because none of what they have said is truthful and she’s only 18. So you know, if you want to act a certain way to another adult that is one thing; however, if you start to hurt children…..well, who are you really? Yes, she’s now 18 but this all started when she was 17 and she IS a child, no she isn’t 10 years old but she’s still a sweet and kindhearted, Christian, young girl.

So I open my devotional for the day and I see this:

“When troubles threaten to drown me, loving Lord, reach down and save me. Deliver me from the floods. Rescue me from the fire. Remove me from the storm. Protect me from the violence. Pick me up and set me on a high place where I will be safe in Your presence. I know my Deliverer is coming.”

And, then I read Jesus Calling online and this:

“Rejoice in Me always. This is a moment-by-moment choice. It is possible to find Joy in Me even during the most difficult times. Because I am always near. I am constantly available to help you. I can even carry you through times of extreme adversity”

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again. Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.” Phillipians 4:4-5

Now, some might say, “Well is this REALLY extreme adversity for you?” Well, I say to you – does it even really matter what you think and if it is or not, that is for me to decide, not you! And yes, it is for me, it’s upsetting.

It’s a process. I have a process to go through, God takes me through the entire process – I come through the other end, always praising Him, thanking him and praying for those people….but again, it’s a process.

And, I’ve learned it’s a process for everyone.

So, maybe those people who hurt us so much are still going through their own process. Maybe they have even worse hurts that I have from my past.

I get to the end of the process.

I love those people and I pray for them. I pray for God to show them mercy in their sins, as I would want the same. I pray for them to be safe in their day, and I pray for their hurt to come undone and them to fall on their knees to God – as I have done in my own hurt. With tear stained faces, and knees that hurt from being down on the ground for so long – I pray for those people who hurt us, to get there. To get to the point of not being ok with hurting people and instead loving others…..as He has loved us and as I have CHOSE to love them.

You too can make that choice, it really is a choice.

I choose to love the same people who have hurt me.

I’m over it.

Evil one = ZERO

God  & Delinda = 1!

WE WON!

P.S. I'm taking a break from Facebook, this was just too much for me. I need to refocus my life on what is important. I'll be back later, I'm sure. 

I was afraid to go

I'm not going to lie.
I, was afraid to go. I was afraid to do it.

Why?

I had a ton of bad thoughts running through my head like, "What if my husband got shot and I witnessed it? What if my husband died somehow at the hands of someone else? What would I do if I saw someone else physically hurt someone? What if I saw things I couldn't handle? Would I lose it and start crying in front of everyone? Would I have a panic attack and everyone would witness it? Would everyone think I was crazy then?" 

Wait......they probably already think that, I'm good. 

All stupid thoughts and not from God, that's for sure...but we all know by now, this is how my mind works. I'm not happy about it and I sometimes I just have to "sit in it" if that makes sense? "Sit in it" and work through it...work through it with Christ. It takes me a bit to process, I don't process on the fly like my husband can...my mind doesn't work that way and I'm ok with it.

Just driving down to the Union Gospel mission was scary enough for me because I haven't been down there in a long time. There are a lot of homeless people in Seattle. A lot of people living in tents on the streets and under the freeways and we were passing by all of this getting to our parking spot. We found our spot and we had Tom and Kerri with us, thankfully, their presence helps to calm me.  Tom prayed for us all before leaving the car, and it calmed me. I felt like, "O.K., let's do this." We got to the Union Gospel Mission and there was a little bit of chaos going on, the police showed up in regards to something but not sure what that was all about. I actually liked their presence, they had guns. I felt safe when they were around as well.

So we had to go inside and watch a video, then fill out some release/liability and confidentiality forms. The guys working there were all really kind and seemed knowledgeable, which helped ease my mind as well. 

Jason gets me, he could see I was nervous and was putting my mind at ease just holding my hand.

This is the part of my anxiety I loathe. I am no longer on anti-anxiety medication, so I just have to learn to deal with this. I'm learning and I know I need to just be kind to myself. I won't be able to learn it though, unless I put myself in these situations.

So we get in the van and I ask Steve if we can just listen to Christian music because it calms me down, too. Thankfully, we heard "You're a good, good Father." I needed that, thank you Jesus!

My mind shifted. 

Just from that song and in an instant.

"God you always do this for me, thank you, thank you, thank you!"

I started thinking about the people in the van with us. I started thinking "We all have the same Father, it's like we are sisters and brothers" just doing Dad's work together.  Then my mind turned to the people on the streets and I thought, "They too are my sister and brothers and some of them may not even have any idea about how much Dad loves us. They need to know!"

I was ready now, let's GO!!

Our first stop was a motel in a not-so-good neighborhood. Our van pulls up and people just start coming toward the van.  Not too many people, maybe only 6....but the smaller the better, this eases me into it.  A few men, dressed as women - which looked to be prostitutes maybe? A married couple, a single man, and a single woman. Something I noticed about all of them? Their clothes, their smell, their hair?  No, their eyes. 

The sadness in their eyes. It took my breathe away.  I could feel their sadness. Why? I've been there.  I've been at the bottom. Maybe not like they are but still at the bottom of myself. They were NOT happy.  I had so many things inside me that I wanted to tell every single one of them but I just didn't know if there was an etiquette, per se, somethings I should or shouldn't do?  I didn't know....I do know now and next time it will be different. Next time I won't be afraid. I won't hold back and I will say anything and everything I want to say because it will be straight from God.

Do you even realize how much God loves you?
Do you even realize there is a way out of this?

He is the ONLY answer. He can take all of this away from you!

He loves you so very much. If He saved me and my husband, He will save you too!!

Those will be some of the things I say next time.  Next time, I will love on them, I will hug them and smile at them and talk to them.

• "This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles." Psalm 34:6

Our next stop was a park. 

Not too many people at this one, so we didn't stay too long.

Then you read a couple weeks ago about Jason meeting Matthew, that was another stop. I saw Jason talking and loving on Matthew and I thought, "I want to be like Jason when I grow up."

We went to a park downtime by the water. We saw a 12 year old young girl out there, a bunch of young boys and many people coming to the van for hot chocolate, blankets, socks, snacks, water and sandwiches. So many people wanted peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, seemed like they were all asking for them.

Yum......I put myself in their shoes, I love them too and would prefer that sandwich over any other kind.

(Next time, Kerri and I decided, we are making the sandwiches and we are going to make 500 of them, and they are all going to be peanut butter and jelly!)

When we saw the 12 year old girl, I put myself in her shoes and remembered back to being 12 years old. How would I have felt out there by myself, no Mom and Dad, sisters and brothers around? That made me too sad and I had to stop thinking about that.

Then, on to the Apocalypse...or what felt like it anyway. The area we were in by day, is a shopping center and by night....young kids, high on drugs, drunk, causing fights, yelling at each other, walking around stoned out of their minds, to the point of not even knowing their own name.  This is the place that got me the worst but yet the best too, this is the place I want to go back to many times again, this is the place with the most children and I've always connected with kids, better than adults. It felt like the children were zombies, there was so much trash everywhere, I was shocked......I just stood back and took it all in. I kept thinking to myself, "These are someone's daughters and sons, nieces or nephews, siblings or friends"...it was so overwhelming to the point of being frozen, I really couldn't do anything.....I was so overwhelmed by it all. I talked to God and said, "Why are you allowing this to happen? You could come back right now and help all these kids....please, please come back NOW!"

God just kept whispering to me, "that's my baby girl right there, see her and there is my son" just little reminders to me, no judgement Delinda, only love for them.  I wanted to hug every single one of them, and ask them their story and why they were out here.....no time for that, no possibilities for that, I'm still frozen, but now I'm standing in awe of our friend Tom, Jason's mentor.  He's witnessing to a young man who is so stoned on heroin it's amazing he's still standing. Tom wasn't scared like I was earlier. Tom was putting his arm on the kid's shoulder and loving on him with words from our Dad. I thought, and said to Kerri, "I want to be like Tom when I grow up."

When I say, "I want to be like so and so when I grow up" this makes me think of what my Mom used to always tell me, of course she meant it in a different context but still applies here, too.  "Watch what the people around you are doing, what they are doing, you will be doing - so make sure they are doing good things." So pick good people to be with and share your life with, they will teach you so many things!

So it's taken me this long to calm down, and collect my thoughts to write about it. That is how overwhelming it was to me.

So, what did we take away from this experience?

Well, we want to do it again, soon & if you want to come along, just let me know. You won't be disappointed and I'm sure God will teach you or show you something.

We are making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!

We are all one big family and we need to just love one another, right where we are, whether we are in our sin or not - just love each other and love each other truthfully....just how Jesus did. 

These are my people, the people in the van and the people on the streets & they are your people too, whether you want to believe it or not.

I won't be afraid again, Dad is with us and He protects us at all times....I'm good with Him alone.

Doing Dad's work really is amazing, He was so right.

"If there is a poor man among your brothers in any of the towns of the land that the LORD your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward your poor brother." Deuteronomy 15:7

Meet Matthew.....

Written by my husband, Jason Sowder 5-9-2016

Thank you Babe for showing us your heart and sharing!


I went on the journey of a lifetime! Did I travel to a far off place or pack up and head to a beautiful Caribbean resort? Nope. - I participated in the Union Gospel Mission's Search and Rescue program. And I have to say the experience was BETTER than any get-away I have ever had. What I learned in one night surpasses all book knowledge I've been able to retain in my limited brain. ;-P

Here is the abbreviated story…

Traveling in the Search and Rescue van we were trying to merge onto the highway but backed up by traffic. We waited a few minutes, anxious as we were not able to continue our mission.  The anxiety quickly diminished as I look to my right to see a man on a bike, out of breath and barely able to talk due to trying to catch up with our van. Immediately this just struck a chord in my heart.

Once we were able to pull over, I had the pleasure to speak with him. I say pleasure as it was a pleasure and honor to know he was willing to talk with me and tell me his story.  That God put me in front of him for a reason.  I honestly still tear up thinking about this experience, it truly touched the deepest part of my soul.

Meet Matthew.

He’s in his mid to late 40's, hasn't showered in a while and could not see well due to medical problems. I quickly learned Mathew doesn't have the comforts of a "home”. His possessions consisted of a bike and satchel stuffed full of his necessities - that's it lock, stock and barrel.  And, I later learned he used to have glasses but they were stolen a while back.  He now travels the streets nearsighted in one eye and blurry vision in the other - no matter the distance.

Matthew was raised in a farming community. As he explained, from a young age he felt like he never “fit in”. He was made fun of and the butt of horrible jokes. Didn't have any close friends. And as I read between the lines to understand, the love of his father was only achieved through working hard on the farm. Working hard for his family was never enough to numb the pain of peer ridicule.

At some point Mathew's family moved closer to Seattle to start in the logging industry. Matthew explained again he felt he didn't fit in, never close to anyone. He tells me "people didn't know how to take a guy with a beard who drove a logging truck to school".

At some point through the years and some not-so-good choices Matthew found his way to Seattle roaming the streets still carrying his childhood baggage. Still looking into people's eyes feeling he doesn't fit in…

Matthew and I spent more time talking about God and how Matthew sees how God has saved him from many terrible situations and knows He has a plan for him. Looking in his eyes I can see a lost soul, a soul that the evil-one has captured using drugs and negative self talk firmly pressing his thumb over the top of Matthew's well being.

There are a few reasons I wanted to write this quick note.  First, we all have baggage we are trying to overcome, all at varying degrees and varying effects on our lives. Next, when you walk by the person living on the street, remember they have a story. Pray for them. Pray that today they will finally allow God to lift them out of the mud and mire setting their feet on solid ground.  Lastly, consider jumping in the Search and Rescue van on a night and helping - by listening, praying and providing a warm blanket and food to someone who is still stuck - stuck like we all get stuck, except their stuck has lasted a lot longer and had a much more profound affect on their life.

God is bigger than all of this and it takes people like you, with stories to tell all the "Mathew’s" stories of what God has done for us and that it’s not too late. To simply provide H-O-P-E......

Dear gracious merciful God, please guard Mathew, please direct the right people in his life to get the help he needs, I ask that you continue to show Matthew he needs to make the commitment to get clean and look to you for direction in all aspects of his life. Amen

God is no dummy.......

This week of work has been exhausting to say the least; 20 hours of overtime and I'm spent. As I've said before when I get tired, things don't normally go too well.....emotionally.  So I've been talking to myself about some past decisions I've made in regards to being a Mother.  Some choices I'm not happy with or proud of.....somethings I did, I wish I wouldn't have.  Battling per se with myself, over these decisions.  Pretty much hating on myself and not behaving how God would want me to. I know He would want me to just love myself and remember He died for those sins. He shed His blood for those exact sins. I kinda just forgot all that.

I've known this last year with me getting so sick with my thyroid removal and then getting mono, the job I currently hold is physically difficult due to the extreme stress and the mandatory overtime. I struggle with it as well because I actually LOVE my work, and I mean I love it....it's just really demanding. So I say, "God, do you really want me doing THIS job the rest of my life? How long can my body handle this? Is this YOUR work, I mean really? How can people see your love when I'm behind the scenes doing paperwork? How God?" 

Me: waiting for His answer....no reply.

My husband and I are taking a class right now titled, "How we love" and it's also brought to my mind many of my past mistakes as a Mother and got me to thinking "Just how bad have I screwed up my children with these mistakes? OH God, why didn't you stop me, why didn't you come down and scold me? Why? Why? Why? Where were you God?" 

Oh I was mad, going back and forth with myself - no answer, all week from Him. I was waiting, and listening, I knew He'd give me something. I just did not realize how much He would give me and give it to me so fast and in one night, 3 hours. I'll get to that a bit later.

I have heard from many dear friends this week that are in a "bad way" by that I mean they are struggling with depression, addiction, their kids' addiction or as one of my friends calls it , "Consequences for their actions" which I too have to deal with, I get it when she puts it so plainly like that and I appreciate it and her. Thank you Kerri! I love you and your honesty!  So hearing from these friends about all their strife got me thinking and realizing just how badly people need Jesus and I just wish I could tell them, all of them, all at once how easy it is to overcome things with Him. He will heal you. He's done it many times, I've seen it.  So this has been on my mind all week, almost everyday something new came up and it was pretty overwhelming asking God, "When will they notice you? When will they see you and your light?" No answer still, me still waiting....

But God is no dummy.

He knows me better than anyone. He knows my heart and I take comfort in that fact alone. He knows I’m not what others might think of me, or what I even think of myself at times.

He keeps putting me in these situations, showing me things and healing my heart. He also knows full well, I will feel compelled to tell you about the healing, His story & His love.

He knows I want you to feel His love like I have.

He knows. And because He knows me so well, at times, I will cry over this simple fact. It’s so overwhelming. It’s so amazing to me.

Have you heard the story in the bible about the woman at the well?  I know I have heard it before but you know sometimes, I have to hear His stories more than one time for them to really sink in.

I am THAT woman at the well and you are too!

No, I haven’t been married 5 times; however, being divorced once is enough for me and was NEVER my plan going into that marriage. I thought it was forever. That was MY plan.  Sometimes our plans don’t always go how we wish for them. Sometimes, our plans fail. Sometimes we fail. And for me, when I failed at my marriage I took all the force of the blow. I put it all on myself, my sins, my mistakes, my “could-a, should-a, would-a’s”….over and over and the chatter went on in my head daily like that.

In "Jesus" times, Samaritans didn't talk with the Jews. And she was a woman, and in "Jesus" times, men didn't really talk to women at all. Did you know women could not initiate the divorce? Did you know it was the man who was allowed to divorce? So this woman who was divorced 5 times and living with a man who wasn't even her husband, JESUS CAME TO HER?  HE PICKED HER!!!! She was shocked. 

The Samaritan woman said to him, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans)

Jesus came to her. Not a man. He came to her and talked with her, telling her if she would ask Him for His living water, she would never be thirsty again. He told her about her life and she was shocked He knew but then realized He was a prophet. He told her "I am" the Messiah. She ran telling everyone about Him.

I am that woman at the well. Ashamed of my sins, I drank His living water and now I'm running to tell you all what He's done for me and despite your sins, you can have His living water too! It's so simple.....you just drink.

So since God knows me so well, He knows He can reach me through music. Oh and He gets me on Thursday night at the Amy Grant, Ellie Holcomb, Nichole Nordeman concert...I had NO idea this was coming. It was kinda random for me to get the tickets, really, but not random for Him and how He works in my life. I bought those tickets about a month ago and He knew what was coming, that's why He did it...... 

Nichole Nordeman starts singing a song about her children growing up too fast. And I start that damn chatter in my head all over again....

Delinda, you have missed out on so much.

Delinda, you are NOT a good Mom.

Delinda, I cannot even believe you.

Delinda, you call yourself a Mother, well a good Mom wouldn't have done what you did!

Delinda, where were you when they needed you?

He interrupts my thought pattern with:

"It's no longer about you Delinda, it's about me. I was with them. I am! I took care of them. I was getting you healthy. You are still a part of their lives daily, just like I am in yours daily. You don't physically see me but you know I'm here and I'm always here for you. They know this about you as well. They love you Delinda. They have forgiven you as I have too. I shed my blood for your sins and it's time to just let them go because I need YOU to do my work now instead of falling back on these sins."

Tears

Many, many, many tears and I couldn't stop them.

I'm watching those women sing about His love and I know the songs, I'm singing along, bawling..HA...looking like a fool I'm sure but I didn't care because I knew He was healing me. He was present and it was so obvious.

Then I think, "Jesus I wish I could sing like these women and sing about your love to everyone, so I could touch someone's life the way they touch someone with their music. I wish I could reach people like they are, for you God, all for you!"

He interrupts me again, 

"I give you words Delinda, you write about Me! That's what I want you to do."

More songs

More tears

My husband looks at me, "Why are you crying honey?" 

I couldn't even put it to words, I just knew I had to write about it to convey it properly.

I felt that night, the same way I felt when we were saved February 23rd, 2014. 

I was reminded of His love and how His love is all that matters. My sins no longer matter as I've repented and made amends. I've given them up again. Gone.

Healed by the living water I drank so easily when I was at the bottom of myself. Oh that water, it's cold and refreshing and I will keep drinking it.

Are you listening? Do you hear Him? He's running toward you and wants a relationship with you and it will be the best relationship you've ever had. He is the BEST husband a girl could ask for and the only one who will never fail you.

Do you know how loved you are?

1 John 4:4New International Version (NIV)

4 You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.

I am happy now

I am happy now. 

My husband didn't make me this happy.

My kids didn't make me this happy. 

My family didn't make me this happy.

My job didn't make me this happy.

My car doesn't make me this happy.

My house doesn't make me this happy.

My money will never make me this happy.

I know many people have said, “If you need to tell people just how happy you are, are you just trying to convince yourself of that?” No, I’m not….I’m telling you, so you can be happy too! And when I write about His love, it does something inside me, every single time. It’s as if I can feel the Holy Spirit reminding me of His love for me….every single time, I cry and I release a little bit more hurt…..like now.

Sure I’m tired, I work a lot outside of the home, I wish I was with my husband, our kids and my furry babies more than I get to be, I’m not the healthiest person, I wish I could dead-lift more than 175 pounds, I wish I could bench more than 145 pounds and squat more than 165 pounds, I wish I could compete in a power-lifting contest today and WIN….….but if I put my worth in my body and what my *OWN* body can, will or won’t do….then what happens when my body breaks? What happens when I can no longer lift weights at all? It’s how I felt, or similar at least, when I was no longer the 24/7 parent of my two precious babies….the ones I longed for before they were even born.

You wanna talk about being kicked in the stomach, or being down….just have your kids taken from you, I thought I’d never recover. In fact, I wanted to die on many days and when I say “many” that’s still too few for you to understand I’m sure. It was the ONLY thing on my mind for so many years. The mistakes I made to get to where I was or the path I took, or didn’t take to get to where I currently was. I said to myself on many days, “If only……”

Then He shined His light brighter and I finally noticed….all along He was there, waiting on me, waiting on me to repent for my sins, not what someone else had done or not done to me….my mistakes, to own up to them and to no longer be “the victim”.

One of my closest friends in Christ always talks about “the renewing of your mind” and I never really understood what she meant until recently when I came upon this song by Amy Grant, it “hit” me and it “hit” me hard…..my mind is renewed and being renewed daily when I stay in His word and close to Him and His love for me. And when I'm in His community of people who will help show me the way.

You are basically going to find what you are looking for, whatever that might be.

"What would they find if they uncovered all of my tracks?
Of roads I’ve snuck down in darkness and never turned back

Well they’d find what they are looking for, secrets and so much more.

What would they find if they searched for a heart of gold?

They’d find sacrifices of time and of money never told

Yeah they’d find what they’re looking for, kindness and so much more

Cause there’s so much good in the worst of us, so much bad in the best of us and it never makes sense for any of us to criticize the rest of us.

We’ll just find what we are looking for; we’ll find it and so much more.

What would I find if I turned back the time on your face?

Could I piece together the memories that have made you this way?

I might find what I’m looking for, understanding and so much more

And haven’t we all learned the best life lessons of falling down and falling down hard, if we are looking for somebody’s failures we won’t have to look very far.

You are going to find what you are looking for".

So what are you looking for? Are you looking at your past mistakes, are you looking at your neighbor’s past mistakes?

Or, are you looking for the best in people? Are you looking at how others love each other? Are you looking at how YOU (not your neighbor) could change things around you?

I know how I used to feel. I know all I used to talk about was what had been done to me, or taken from me, or how awful that person’s actions were, or even my own….I’ve lived with that guilt and shame for a very, very long time……it started at a very young age for me.

I don’t want to live there anymore.  I am not the victim. I am not what someone else has done to me or taken from me.

I don’t even really like to think about the past or talk about it but sometimes we have to go there, to realize just how far we’ve come.

My mind has been renewed and renewed in Christ. He’s shown me my worth is in HIS love for me……nothing more.

He can and will do the same for you. If He has done it for me, He will do it for you.  You are His beloved and He is obsessed with you. He is what you are longing for when you say you are lonely, or need someone physical to be there to help you. He is that. He always will be that and the sooner you realize, the better off you'll be. You will only feel complete once He has done a work in your heart. You'll be a changed person. Will you be perfect? Never. Will you still struggle? Yes. But with Him, it won't be so bad......trust Him. Fall into love with Him. Give it all to Him.  He's waiting for you.

You are so worth it.

You are so loved.

My Scarlet Letter

Mary, the Mama of Jesus....did you know in Hebrew the meaning of her name is rebellion?

Hebrew Meaning: The name Mary is a Hebrew baby name. In Hebrew the meaning of the name Mary is: Wished-for child; rebellion; bitter. Famous Bearers: the Virgin Mary; Mary Magdalene; Mary, Queen of Scots  

Do you know about Mary Magdalene?

The Gospel of Luke says seven demons had gone out of her,[Lk. 8:2] and the longer ending of Mark says Jesus had cast seven demons out of her.[Mk. 16:9] She is most prominent in the narrative of the crucifixion of Jesus, at which she was present. She was also present two days later, immediately following the sabbath,[3] when, according to all four canonical Gospels,[Matthew 28:1–8][Mark 16:9–10] [Luke 24:10] [John 20:18] she was either alone or as a member of a group of women the first to testify to the resurrection of Jesus.[5] John 20 and Mark 16:9 specifically name her as the first person to see Jesus after his resurrection.

Do you know about Rahab? I just learned about her several weeks ago.

Rahab, (/ˈreɪ.hæb/;[1] Hebrew: רָחָב, Modern Raẖav, Tiberian Rāḥāḇ ; "broad," "large") was, according to the Book of Joshua, a prostitute who lived in Jericho in the Promised Land and assisted the Israelites in capturing the city. She became a figure of fascination to the writers of the New Testament, where she is reckoned among the ancestors of Jesus,[2]and is lauded as an example of living by faith,[3] while being justified by her works.[4]

My point being with just these three women I’ve listed…..look at their past lives, and then look at how God uses them in their future.  You could be one of those women? I could be one of those women?  Other women we know could be too…..just one of the reasons we shouldn’t judge other people’s pasts, or their actions - we should just love them to God. We all have a role to play in Jesus's kingdom.

Until recently, traveling to my hometown used to be difficult for me. In my hometown, to me, it felt as though my sin is the big red A stained and stinky on my chest, the Scarlet letter of Adultery per se. I know that sounds ridiculous but it's how I used to feel. Satan liked my shame and blame a lot. I used it a lot.....still fall back into it some days but I try my hardest to remember who I am - His daughter and His Beloved. Period. Nothing more, ever. It really is enough for me.

If I saw someone I knew, I would turn around and walk the other way or ignore them, hoping they wouldn't see me and my Scarlet letter. Or, worse yet I wouldn't even go anywhere or want to do anything outside of visiting SOME family.

Then God changed my heart, forever more.

How will women who are or were in my same shoes of adultery ever know how God can and will change their heart, if they don't know or don't see me and how He has changed me. My stain, it is still there; however, now the stench is gone.

I believe God made us to desire Him, to look for Him and to want Him.

Whether you feel it as a need for a Father, a husband or a best-friend...it's really about Him.

This weekend I had the pleasure of attending the IF: Gathering in Yakima. A room full of women Saturday morning coming together, ushering in the Holy Spirit raising our arms and singing a song about our "Good Good Father", you could feel Him in the room...the Holy Spirit was SO present it was palpable. I loved it. (I'm tearing up as I write this, sitting here feeling all of this)

A bunch of women in the same room, singing about their Dad, how much He loves us and it is who we are...in His love.

You are a good, good Father

It's who you are

It's who you are

It's who you are

We are loved by you

It's who we are

It's who we are

It's who we are

When I'm singing about our Dad with a bunch of my sisters, it sounds like we are angels and telling him how much we love Him and reminding each other just how much He loves us.

I miss my own Dad a lot and situations like this reminds me of my first and best Father....and it makes the grieving gone, in an instant. Praising Him, thanking Him and loving others as He loves me....really helps all the negativity or sadness. Sometimes I will say, "I just wish I could hear Dad’s voice one more time" and then I will immediately thank God for the time I actually had with my Dad and it is so very helpful. Some women never even knew their Dad or have a relationship with him.....here is your chance to have a relationship with your first Father, too.

No more hiding behind your sin. Giving it over to God, to take it, to remove the stink of it…..you’ll never be the same again. He will change you. I dare you to try it. What do you really have to lose? NOTHING! You have so much to gain.

I’m praying for you!