Sunday, April 3, 2016

I am happy now

I am happy now. 

My husband didn't make me this happy.
My kids didn't make me this happy. 
My family didn't make me this happy.
My job didn't make me this happy.
My car doesn't make me this happy.
My house doesn't make me this happy.
My money will never make me this happy.

I know many people have said, “If you need to tell people just how happy you are, are you just trying to convince yourself of that?” No, I’m not….I’m telling you, so you can be happy too! And when I write about His love, it does something inside me, every single time. It’s as if I can feel the Holy Spirit reminding me of His love for me….every single time, I cry and I release a little bit more hurt… now.

Sure I’m tired, I work a lot outside of the home, I wish I was with my husband, our kids and my furry babies more than I get to be, I’m not the healthiest person, I wish I could dead-lift more than 175 pounds, I wish I could bench more than 145 pounds and squat more than 165 pounds, I wish I could compete in a power-lifting contest today and WIN….….but if I put my worth in my body and what my *OWN* body can, will or won’t do….then what happens when my body breaks? What happens when I can no longer lift weights at all? It’s how I felt, or similar at least, when I was no longer the 24/7 parent of my two precious babies….the ones I longed for before they were even born.

You wanna talk about being kicked in the stomach, or being down….just have your kids taken from you, I thought I’d never recover. In fact, I wanted to die on many days and when I say “many” that’s still too few for you to understand I’m sure. It was the ONLY thing on my mind for so many years. The mistakes I made to get to where I was or the path I took, or didn’t take to get to where I currently was. I said to myself on many days, “If only……”

Then He shined His light brighter and I finally noticed….all along He was there, waiting on me, waiting on me to repent for my sins, not what someone else had done or not done to me….my mistakes, to own up to them and to no longer be “the victim”.

One of my closest friends in Christ always talks about “the renewing of your mind” and I never really understood what she meant until recently when I came upon this song by Amy Grant, it “hit” me and it “hit” me hard… mind is renewed and being renewed daily when I stay in His word and close to Him and His love for me. And when I'm in His community of people who will help show me the way.

You are basically going to find what you are looking for, whatever that might be.

"What would they find if they uncovered all of my tracks?
Of roads I’ve snuck down in darkness and never turned back
Well they’d find what they are looking for, secrets and so much more.
What would they find if they searched for a heart of gold?
They’d find sacrifices of time and of money never told
Yeah they’d find what they’re looking for, kindness and so much more
Cause there’s so much good in the worst of us, so much bad in the best of us and it never makes sense for any of us to criticize the rest of us.
We’ll just find what we are looking for; we’ll find it and so much more.
What would I find if I turned back the time on your face?
Could I piece together the memories that have made you this way?
I might find what I’m looking for, understanding and so much more
And haven’t we all learned the best life lessons of falling down and falling down hard, if we are looking for somebody’s failures we won’t have to look very far.
You are going to find what you are looking for".

So what are you looking for? Are you looking at your past mistakes, are you looking at your neighbor’s past mistakes?
Or, are you looking for the best in people? Are you looking at how others love each other? Are you looking at how YOU (not your neighbor) could change things around you?

I know how I used to feel. I know all I used to talk about was what had been done to me, or taken from me, or how awful that person’s actions were, or even my own….I’ve lived with that guilt and shame for a very, very long time……it started at a very young age for me.

I don’t want to live there anymore.  I am not the victim. I am not what someone else has done to me or taken from me.

I don’t even really like to think about the past or talk about it but sometimes we have to go there, to realize just how far we’ve come.

My mind has been renewed and renewed in Christ. He’s shown me my worth is in HIS love for me……nothing more.

He can and will do the same for you. If He has done it for me, He will do it for you.  You are His beloved and He is obsessed with you. He is what you are longing for when you say you are lonely, or need someone physical to be there to help you. He is that. He always will be that and the sooner you realize, the better off you'll be. You will only feel complete once He has done a work in your heart. You'll be a changed person. Will you be perfect? Never. Will you still struggle? Yes. But with Him, it won't be so Him. Fall into love with Him. Give it all to Him.  He's waiting for you.

You are so worth it.

You are so loved.