I remember the day I fell in love with Him. It was the day He took all my suicidal thoughts from me, all of them. He replaced it with the knowledge of just how much He loves me. He told me I am His Beloved and I will be forever and always. He told me He will be the Only One who will never leave my side. He told me He is always with me, I just need to whisper His name and He is there. He told me His angels will protect me everyday of my life and I should fear nothing.
My husband would have lost his Wife.
Our kids would have lost their Mother.
My sister would have lost her sister and best friend.
My brother would have lost his sister.
My mother would have lost her daughter.
My in-laws would have lost their daughter-in-law.
My nieces and nephews would have lost an Auntie.
My friends would have lost a friend.
No medication, alcohol or drugs, exercise, counselor, human being, or self-help books could have done this.
This was all the Holy Spirit telling me just who I am to Him and just how sad He would be if I took my own life. The life He had planned for me before my parents had planned to have me.
This really resonated with me when Robin Williams took his own life and I've thought about it everyday. All the sadness everyone felt, the hole people have in their heart now he is gone, the people he changed because he changed his course of life. This could have been what happened in my case (of course not to this extreme but you understand where I'm going). The point is when you are having suicidal thoughts, or are in your depression, you don't think of others, it just isn't possible. You think of ways to get away from the pain. I understand this doesn't help anyone but when you are in the dark, black, deep hole....you are in pain, you feel desperate and you want the pain to stop, I just didn't know how to make it happen. I did know, if I killed myself the pain would stop. I wouldn't feel it anymore. No, I personally do not believe suicide is a selfish act. I believe the people who take their own lives just want the pain to stop. That's it....please make it stop! It's a sickness like any other sickness. I also believe God is with them in the last moment of their life, He is right there. It isn't my place to say what happens after, it is only for God to decide. When I hear of someone who has taken their life, I pray for them and then I whisper "Thank you Jesus, thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm forever yours!" It could have been me, so easily. "There but for the grace of God go I"
Yes, I was in the deep, dark, hole where I was barely hanging onto the edge.....where I felt and said "Just one more thing God, I can't deal with it, please just take it all away, please take my life tonight so I don't have to do it myself".
Then I surrendered to Him. I let my fingers slip and I fell deep into His love for me. I fell into His love story He wrote just for me. I started seeing and feeling differently. Everyday, I felt it lift a little more than the day before.
My life is forever changed and for the better.
I am forever thankful to Him.
Most importantly I am loved.
If you too feel this way, I want you to know there is Hope. There is a way out!